Dirty Nurse.

A nurse is a woman of science. A writer is a woman of the arts. A nurse lives life with order and facts. A writer is a storyteller. A nurse knows how to keep your body alive. A writer will make you feel alive.

The nurse and the writer are both frowned upon at suburbia’s grocery store. But it wasn’t a nurse and a writer. It was two friends forgetting the world existed during what was overheard as a one-sided phone call.

It was the nurse’s fault.

Dude. I’m pulling up to the grocery store now. Some car almost backed into another car. It wasn’t me but I need to get out the way. No, you’re good. I can still talk.

Why does my mind go blank when I walk into the grocery store? I think I might have brain cancer.

No, I’m not sick. My mind just sometimes isn’t all there.

Ha! I do sound like I’m 80. Hey, at least I have a nurse on-call to help me grocery shop.

No. Ha! What? I didn’t hear that story. Yes. Please tell me about your first time giving a catheter. Hmmm…do I need green onion?

So you actually volunteered to put a catheter in?

Well, I could have told you your nurse friends would ask someone else to put in a catheter of a woman that was 400 pounds.

NO WAY! You had two nurse friends hold the leg fat? 3 of you?

I wonder if Scott wants chicken tonight.

INSIDE THE LIPS?! How many holes are there?

Well you have the asshole, sure. I could find that. Anyone could point that one out. How do you not find the hole in 400 pounds?

Ha! 105 pounds of you elbow deep in 400 pounds of pee hole.

Women’s vagina lips sound complicated.

I need to stop talking out loud. Why do you tell me your nurse stories at the grocery store?

I don’t know, maybe catheterizing a male would be easier for your first time.

Oh, I’d bet they scream like tiny babies. It’s amazing how much more women can tolerate pain up a little pee hole. I’ve only had two, one with each pregnancy. Didn’t even feel it.

Ha! Wait, what did I just say? I think I just got a dirty look.

Can I put you on speaker? I need to have the people of the grocery store listen to your filthy mouth too. I’m not the only one.

Like a piece of rubber? You would think prostate patients would be used to the prodding.

Inflamed penis?! How fat did it get? Is it like a piece of cooked spaghetti? That would be impossible to shove up. Did you lay it on a splint? HA! Oh! I just remembered I saw a recipe for creamy spaghetti on Pinterest. What else did that recipe have? Hold on, I’m putting you on speaker while I check this recipe.

Speaker: “You know body parts just don’t bother me. You’ve seen one hole, you seen them all. Let me tell you, men don’t like talking about shoving things up their penis hole.”

Ok, you’re off. Scott would FREAK OUT if you came at him with a catheter. He’d kick you with his boot.

Oh, he’d insist on boots if you’re around.

I can’t believe you haven’t gotten kicked in the face more. I could never do your job. No way. All of this is making me light-headed thinking of it. Maybe it’s my brain cancer. Would you talk about my leg fat to your other friends?

Ha! Hot mama. OH SHIT. Backing up out of the line. Beep. Beep. I’m like a truck. Excuse me, sorry. Can I just squeeze out of here? I forgot jalapeños. Sorry.

Oh, I look so rude on my phone.

I think I can think clearer with you on the phone.

Yeah, I’m kinda shocked most people can take the pain of something shoved up their pee hole. You would think that would hurt much more than it really does.

Excuse me, where are the jalapeños? Oh, over there? Thanks.

What are we even talking about? I just asked some kid where the jalapeños were. Ew, the jalapeños are shriveled.

Meh. I’ll still use ’em. A little shrivel never tasted bad.

Dude, you and your nurse stories. You’re really the only friend I can trust to send a picture of my cottage cheese tongue.

She’s a nurse. I’m talking to a nurse.

Yeah, that went away. Didn’t even hurt. You think it was thrush? Probably from the flu and no oxygen in the mountains.

Uh, credit. Plastic. Thank you.

Wait, don’t hang up! Don’t let me walk out of here by myself. I’ll have to look people in the eye.

Uh, rest of the day…hm, have to start a few articles for the magazine. I should probably write something on my blog. It’s been awhile.

I don’t know yet. I’ll figure out something. What time is it? Am I going to be late picking up my kids?

Ok, I’m in the car. Thanks for the chat. Ok, bye.

Do you talk on the phone in public? What is the craziest conversation you’re overhead? Do you have nurse friends with stories that make you squirm? They know how to save your life, you know. Or make you pee when your body can’t.