Oh Emma Oh Kate

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate features things my kids say. I jot the quotes in my phone so I don’t forget. If I think what they said are still funny, I will copy the quotes here.

We moved into the cul-de-sac and our house has turned into a turnstile of kids. My ears are always on. Welcome to my world, kids.


I was holding our puppy, Stella. She started to lick my shirt.

Kate: You tryin’ to lick some milk out of those boobies? Not gunna happen. Not gunna happen. No, it’s not. No, it’s not.


Scott: You girls need to start to be more active and not so lazy!

Kate: Well the dog poops upstairs.


Kate: Why do they make days so quick?


Kate: Why is Greenland named Greenland when it’s all snowy?

Emma: Maybe the scientist said, ‘hey come to Greenland and visit me! It’s beautiful and green!’ Then they came and he laughed because he tricked all of them.


We got out of the car and started to walk up the driveway after school.

Kate: Can I go over C’s house?

Me: Oh. Well, it looks like she’s on her way here. She’s leaving her driveway on her bike now. Oh wait, she turned around.

Kate: Ha! She forgot to ask her mom.

We watch C go in garage then come back out and start towards our house again.

C: Hey! Sorry! I forgot to ask my mom.


Scott and I were arguing over something in the car.

Kate: Stop fighting! You sound like a commercial.


The coyote decided to show up in our backyard again, looking for Belle to eat. Scott went outside to stalk it. I told the girls daddy would take care of the coyote and I told them to go to bed.

I woke up Kate the next day for school. She sits up, drowsy. Her head was bobbing and she couldn’t keep her eyes open.

Kate: Did he shoot it.

Me: What? Are you dreaming?

Kate: No. Daddy. Did daddy shoot the coyote.


The girls and I were watching the Royals play on TV.

Me: Oh, look! Eric Hosmer is up next. I interviewed him for the magazine, girls.

Kate: You little snot.


We had some neighborhood kids over.

Kate: Guess what?

Kid: What?

Kate: I can burp like my mom. Listen. (let’s out the world’s longest burp)


Scott: If Randy Houser were your husband would you ask him to sing to you every night?

Me: Hmmmm…I think I would assume he would sing anyway. I wouldn’t have to ask for a serenade.

Scott: I would ask Randy Houser if he were my husband. His voice is amazing.

Me: (Get out my phone to type this)

Scott: Stop it. I know what you’re doing.


Emma and I passed a building that caught on fire several months ago. The building is still standing but completely ruined.

Me: Em, look at that building. I can’t believe they haven’t torn it down yet. What a massive fire.

Emma: Yeah, someone in that building probably didn’t make good choices in their life.


The girls and their friends made a “restaurant” in our basement.

Emma: Look mom, we printed menus! It’s called Stella and Belle’s Cafe.

Me: Oh, that’s so cute!

Kid: Yeah, we printed a food menu AND we printed a beer menu for all the parents!

Me: What.

Emma: And we DO have Summer Shandy, mom. Don’t worry.


I was unpacking boxes and could overhear Kate talking to her friends.

Kate: Oh, hold on. Let me put my contacts in.

I peeked in her room. The kids were watching her open a contact case.

Me: What are you doing? You don’t wear contacts!

Kate: (touches the white of her eye) Oh. Much better. I can see!

Me: Give me that thing.

I looked in the contact case and see liquid inside.

Me: Is this contact solution?

Kate: Sometimes I put in Emma’s contacts.

Me: WHAT. You better not! How do you know how to do that?

Kate: I touch my eyes all the time.

Emma: Mom. She pretends she has contacts. It’s water.

Kate: (blinks and smiles)


Me: Kate, did you put away the clothes I put on your bed?

Kate: Lemme think.

Me: I hope you did because you said you did earlier.

Kate: Lemme think.

Me: I’m going to go check.

Kate: AH! I’ll do it tomorrow! I’ll do it tomorrow!


Emma: What should I be when I grow up?

Me: Hmmmm…good question. Let me think.

Kate: I think you should be an artist so I can get your famous paintings for free.


I was painting my nails. Kate walks in the room.

Kate: I thought I smelled nail polish!

I look up at her.

Kate: (Sticks her butt at me and farts. Walks out of the room)


Kate: Would you rather stand in front of boys naked or go to the bathroom in front of boys?

Me: I’m not answering that.

Kate: I would rather go to the bathroom because the boys can’t really see anything when you’re sitting down.


Scott: I told Kate she was nuttier than a squirrel’s turd and she damn near started crying.


It was the last day in the apartment. We had no silverware because it was packed. The girls had a container of ice cream outside.

Me: Oh, you guys getting a snack?

Kate: Yep!

Me: Wait, how are you eating it without spoons?

Emma and Kate: (hold up their hands)


Me: Ok, girls. Let’s go meet daddy at the soccer field. Head Coach Scott’s first soccer practice! Yay!

Kate: Good thing he’s good at yelling.


I took the girls shopping.

Emma: Whew! I’m tired! We sure are getting some shopping done today!

Kate: Uh oh. Let’s not tell daddy.


Kate: This popsicle is so good, I could eat this upside down.


Me: Look girls! There’s daddy’s old high school!

Kate: Where he pooped his pants on accident.

Emma: No, Kate. That was college.


I brought the girls home from school.

Emma: Can I play outside?

Me: No. You’re grounded, remember? Your dad said no playing after school.

Emma: Mo-om!

Me: No, Emma.

Emma: I won’t tell him if you won’t.


Kid: Is my sister here?

Me: Yep, she’s right here.

Sister walks up to the door.

Kid: Oh my gosh! I thought you left on your own, were kidnapped, and left for dead!


A kid fell and skinned her knee. She started crying.

Me: Oh no! Do you need a band-aid?

Kid: (stops crying) Yeah. Oh good, my mom won’t be mad because there’s real blood this time.


Kids: Can Emma and Kate come outside to play?

Me: Give us, like, 30 minutes. We’re eating dinner now.

Kids: (flip off their shoes) Oh, can we watch then?


I was watching my niece, Gabby.

Gabby: Who’s car is that?

Me: Uncle Scott.

Gabby: What about that one?

Me: That’s mine, silly.

Gabby: Oh. And where’s Kate’s?


Gabby: I wish Scott was here.

Me: You do? Why?

Gabby: So he can be our butler.


I was watching my other niece, Evelyn.

Me: You want to get dressed before your mom comes and picks you up?

Evelyn: I want braces.


Kate: Change the radio station.

Me: This is Taylor Swift! You love her.

Emma: It is?

Me: It’s one of her earlier songs. She was much younger.

Kate: Ha! Like 1?

Me: No, teenager maybe?

Kate: I just want Taylor Swift to sing a song called “Oh Emma, Oh Kate.”