Humor,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 9 and Kate is 6. 


I overheard Kate talking to her iPod.

Kate: Siri, will you text Mommy Burton?

Siri: What would you like to say to Mommy Burton?

Kate: I want to say I don’t understand life.


Me: Where’s my phone charger?

Kate: (yelling from upstairs) It’s on the wall!

Me: Which wall?

Kate: By the Christmas tree!

Me: It’s March! (I look where our Christmas tree was and my phone charger is there)


Scott: Should I shave my beard?

Me: No.

Kate: No. I use it to scratch myself when I have an itch.


Me: Ok, let’s get rid of some of these DVDs you don’t watch. Elmo, Little Einsteins, Little Bear…

Kate: Keep Little Bear.

Me: You don’t watch Little Bear.

Kate: My stuffed animals do at night.


Emma, Kate and I were watching Princess Diaries.

Kate: She shouldn’t kiss that boy.

Me: Why? I think she has a crush on him.

Kate: That boy kisses too many girls. She shouldn’t have a crush on him.


Me: GIRLS!  What happens when you leave all the lights on in the house?

Emma: It runs out and you have to buy more.


Kate: (as she’s eating) Well, I guess you can put on Pitbull’s Fireball if you want.


For some reason the girls wanted silly string. I agreed to buy them some because it was spring break and I was going insane. We walk into Party City.

Employee: Are you looking for something?

Me: Silly string?

Employee: In the back aisle. You’ll see them lined up by colors. I’ll show you.

The four of us stand and look at the color choices.

Kate: Which one is comin’ home to mama?

Employee: What are you ladies celebrating?

Kate: Me.

Emma: Stop it, Kate.


I was parked in a parking lot with Kate. I was adding things to my grocery store list before we got out of car. The windows were cracked. Kate starts laughing.

Me: What’s so funny?

Kate: This little boy is not sitting in the cart for his mom.

Me: Uh oh.

Kate: Here they come!

The boy is in hysterics, kicking and screaming at his mom. They are parked in the car next to us.

Kate: (stares out window and starts laughing and pointing)

Me: Kate, knock it off. That mom is having a bad day.

Kate: But it’s funny.


I took Kate to get a pedicure while Emma hunted with Scott.

Me: Pick out a polish color.

Kate: I’ll take this blue. This green for grass. And white and black for the panda. And pink for a butterfly in the sky.


We were watching the NCAA tournament. KU was playing.

Kate: Did you see that guy slap that other guy’s butt?

Scott: That’s KU’s coach. He likes touching people’s butts.

Kate: So mean.


Kate was using a blanket to wipe her nose.

Me: Hey! I just washed that blanket.

Kate: Snot rag now.


Emma: MOM! Kate never flushes the toilet. It stinks so bad in here!

Me: Do you flush the toilet?

Kate: Ugh, I don’t want it to overflow.


I was doing yard work in front of our house. I found Kate’s sandals in a bush.

Me: Kate! Did you put your sandals in a bush?

Kate: I don’t know.

Me: You don’t know if you put these in a bush?

Kate: Yes. I put them there.

Me: Why?

Kate: They were wet.

Me: So you throw them in a bush?

Kate: I wanted them to dry off in the shade.


My grandma suffered a mini stroke while we were playing Bingo at the nursing home. She left in an ambulance. My mom was texting us updates from the hospital. I was reading the texts out loud to Scott. Emma was listening.

Me: Oh no! Scott, grandma asked my mom if she had any kids!

Emma: Ha! She forgot about you then.


I was in the living room but could hear Scott and Kate in the kitchen.

Kate: Oh no! Wait, did mom see?


Kate: Emma! You can’t do headstands! They’re so bad for you!

Emma: No they’re not. Who told you that?

Kate: You.

Emma: Oh.


Me: Hey girls, let’s figure out which camps you want to go to this summer because I can already tell you’re going to drive me insane.

Emma: Ok! Maybe art camp or soccer camp. I also like theatre camp…

Kate: Just put me on a plane to Florida.


Kate: I’m learning about time now.

Emma: Like, multiplication?

Kate: No. Like, you know, the circle.


Me: Girls, I’m interviewing Eric Stonestreet tomorrow!

Emma: You are?!

Kate: I don’t like your interviews.

Me: What? Why?

Kate: You ask too many questions in my business.


I overheard Emma and Kate talking.

Kate: Will you read what Nana said on my iPod?

Emma: Nana said she can’t talk right now, she’s not at home. MOM! I’M GOING TO PLAY OUTSIDE!

Me: Ok, bye! (I hear a door slam. Kate is alone in the living room.)

Kate: Siri, will you text Nana Burton?

Siri: What would you like to say to Nana Burton?

Kate: I want to say tell her to hurry up.

Kate walked in my room.

Me: Did you just tell Siri to tell Nana to hurry up?

Kate: Yeah!

Me: Did Siri do it?

Kate: Oh yes, Siri will do anything for me.


Emma and Kate had a dentist appointment. Kate was called back first. I sat with Emma in the waiting room.

Emma: Mom. You won’t believe what Kate did today. I left my water bottle in the lunch room or something and Kate’s teacher found it so she sent Kate to my class to give it back to me.

Kate: Oh no! Did Kate get embarrassed walking into your class?

Emma: MOM. NO. She walked in with her friend. She stands in the front of the class, everyone stares at her. She puts a hand ON HER HIP and she scrunched her nose in a mean face. And she says, “EMMA! GET YOUR WATER BOTTLE.” The whole class starts laughing and saying, “oh your sister is so cute!” and I’m like, “OH MY GOD!”

Me: What did your teacher do?

Emma: She was laughing too. Mom, Kate is so embarrassing.


I get a text from Kate.

Kate: Text me back. Right meow.


Emma: True or false? Butterflies can taste with their feet.

Me: True.

Scott: False.

Emma: It’s true.

Kate: Ha! Mommy is smarter than daddy.

Emma: We all know that, Kate. That’s why we have to train daddy.


I woke up to Kate pulling my upper lip up.

Me: What are you doing?

Kate: Look at all those adult teeth. Not fair.


Kate was singing K-State’s fight song.

Scott: That’s right, girl. We’re raising you right!

Kate: I’m doing it right because I want to be a vet. (K-State is a huge vet med school)


Emma was pricing her old books for a garage sale.

Emma: What should I sell this one for? One dollar?

Me: I’m thinking 50 cents.

Emma: I’ll put $1.50


Kate: I’m thirsty. Can I have some grape juice in a…you know.



Special Edition: Oh Kids.

 Kid: No, I don’t want this!

Mom: Eat the tater tot casserole or don’t eat at all.

Kid: Fine. If I eat it, then I get TWO bowls of salad. And a piece of candy.


Kid: Mom, do you know what my worst favorite nightmare is?

Mom: What?

Kid: A huge tarantula! Jumping on me.

Mom: Oh no!

Kid: Just kidding. It’s really a black widow.


Mom: (telling her daughter to do something)

Kid: Tell it to my butt because she’s the only one that gives a crap!


Babysitter: I have a song stuck in my head.

Kid: (puts ear next to babysitter’s head) I can’t hear it.


Kid: (avoiding going to bed) Mom, I have to go potty.

Mom: You just walked past the bathroom when you came to my room.

Kid: Oh. (walks back to the bathroom. A few minutes later…) Mom, carry me back to bed.

Mom: No.

Kid: My knees  hurt.

Mom: Your knees are fine.

Kid: My neck hurts.

Mom: That’s fine too. Go back to bed.

Kid: (puts back of hand to her forehead and channels Scarlet O’Hara) My bangs! They hurt! I can’t walk!


Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at:

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.


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