Humor

The boy.

A video sat in the corner of a room, recording two little girls eating dinner. The video was recording for an important reason. They were going to hear big news:

“You’re going to have a baby brother.”

Hell no I didn’t say that.

My sister did.

I have two sisters and one brother. I have two daughters, Emma and Kate. Jessica has two daughters, Gabby and Savannah. Jenna has two daughters, Evelyn and June. And Jon has a female dog. Hi Claire!

I do have a nephew and another niece, Ben and Lucy. They are on Scott’s side of the family.

Until recently, I had 5 nieces and 1 nephew. Are you keeping track?

I started to get theories in my head. Three sisters with six daughters in a ten year time frame. What are the chances? Do our eggs have an anti-boy sperm block? Maybe the more “manly” the dad is, the more likely he is to produce a daughter. Or maybe my mom got into voodoo in the 80s and cursed/blessed her hair-pulling, screaming daughter drama with daughters of their own.

Science doesn’t back me up on any of this. I googled it. The chances of having a baby girl is slightly under 50%. Pass the tampon.

Jessica’s announcement sent a shock through the family. A brother. A son. A nephew. A grandson. A boy cousin with cooties. We haven’t heard “it’s a boy” since my brother’s birth circa 1985.

I’ve never seen a baby penis. I take that back – I’ve seen a few briefly. There was a boy at the playground that dropped his pants and peed a foot away from my daughter. I also have a nephew but he lives in San Francisco so I do not see him or his penis. But when I do see Ben, I get nervous I’m squishing his balls when I hold him on my hip. He’s going to have memories visiting Kansas where the ball-squishing aunt lives.

I don’t know what to do with a penis.

Well, ok. I know what to do with a penis. A man’s penis. But not my nephew’s man penis. This whole blog post is backfiring.

You see? I’m all flustered with a boy.

I had so many questions before his birth. He would be my own because my sisters’ kids are my own. Am I allowed to speak to him high-pitched? Am I allowed to call him precious? Painting his toenails is out of the question. Maybe bring some hair gel to the hospital? Throw a baseball his way? CATCH! I don’t know. I don’t have anything to teach him. Wait – I did grow up with a brother and I can teach him how to spit out bananas on Mario Go Kart’s Rainbow Road.

And then he was born. I became an aunt for the 7th time.

William Frederick was placed in my arms on June 8, 2016.

And he is precious.

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He’s not different than the nieces handed to me by one of my sisters. He squeaks. He cries high-pitched. His lower lip trembles when he yawns. He has ten toes, ten fingers and a penis. He peed on the nurse during his bath. A comedian – a boy after his Aunt Jules’ heart.

Oh look! I taught him how to MAN-ROAR.

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I only wonder what William will teach me.

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram. The adventures of William and Aunt Jules will continue.