Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7.
Kate: Daddy, why do you make mommy pay for everything?
Kate: Every time we go out to eat, she always pays with her credit card. I think you need to pay sometimes too.
Kate: Look at that! Take a picture of that! That sign says wine.
On our family vacation, Emma fainted due to dehydration. Scott and Kate were granted permission to join Emma and me in the hospital room.
Kate: UGH! I had to pee three times in the waiting room because daddy keeps making me chug water like I’m Emma or something.
Emma: The back of this menu says, “All the sand between your toes take out all the troubles and the woes.”
Kate: HA! Unless you faint before you get to the sand.
Kate changed into her swimsuit in front of me. She dropped her pants and underwear to her feet.
Kate: Don’t you be putting my business on Facebook.
Me: I would never put that on Facebook, Kate.
Kate: Or Instagram.
I took the girls shopping in Florida.
Me: Look at these necklaces, girls. So cute.
Kate: HA! Emma – look. That necklace says, “Shell yeah.” You know – like hell yeah.
Me: Girls! Wave at the people on the boat! They’re waving!
Kate: I don’t wave to people I don’t know.
Kate: I can’t wait to leave Florida! NOT!
Scott: Not? Where did you learn that?
Kate: I made it up.
Me: No, you didn’t.
We were swimming at our friend’s house in Florida.
Rob: What time do you girls go to bed?
Emma: No, Kate. We go to bed way after 9. Why would you say that, Kate?
Emma: Will you download Music.ly on my iPod?
Me: Well, only if you are friends with people you know in real life. Do your friends have this back in Kansas? I’ve never heard of it.
Emma: They do. I actually knew about Music.ly but I didn’t think you’d understand.
Me: Emma? Kate? Where are you ?
Emma: We’re in Kylee’s room!
Me: Oh. Hey what are you guys doing in here?
Kylee: I’m trying to figure out a name for my fart since Kate’s is Bob.
Kate: Say hi to Bob. (farts)
Emma and Kate were done with art camp. They received free t-shirts on the last day.
Me: Oh, these shirts are cute! Everyone signed it on the back! Aw!
(I turn the shirt around and see Emma’s signature on Kate’s shirt – “You are a butthead. Love, Emma.”
Kate had some friends over. I overheard them talking.
Friend 1: My mom doesn’t fart.
Friend 2: My mom doesn’t either!
Kate: Well, MY MOM FARTS. All the time.
Emma: Will you make us pancakes?
Me: What about waffles?
Me: Doesn’t a big, fat Belgian waffle sound good? Buttery…syrup in holes.
Emma: Fine. Pancakes today and waffles tomorrow.
I drove Kate to gymnastics. She had a stuffy nose.
Me: OH MY GOSH. KATE. THAT SMELLS SO BAD.
Kate: Now I’m mad because I can’t smell my own farts.
Kate walked in the room.
Me: Why do you look guilty?
Kate: Uh, don’t know what that means. (walks out of the room)
Kate: Cool means “I don’t care” in my language. Tell me something.
Me: I love you, Kate.
Emma and Kate were talking about something in the car.
Kate: FREAK YEAH, EMMA!
Kate: I don’t know why but I love staring at things.
Emma: Something is at our front door. What’s this?
Me: Oh. A phone book. Throw it in recycling.
Emma: What’s a phone book?
Me: It’s a book with everyone’s landline phone numbers. We have the internet now so no one uses phone books anymore. I don’t even know why they still print them. What a waste of paper and ink.
Emma: So it’s like an antique or something? (Open phone book and starts reading it.)
I opened my eyes to Kate staring at me in bed.
Me: What are you doing?
Kate: I’m not getting out of your stinky breath until you ask Nana if we can come over.
Me: Hey, Emma. Do you want the rest of this donut?
Emma: Well maybe. Just put it in front of me and I’ll think about it.
Special Edition: Oh kids.
I was at my friend’s house with the kids.
Christine: STOP SLAMMING THE DOORS! (runs upstairs, then comes back down)
Me: Is it Emma and Kate?
Christine: No. It’s just chaos.
Kid (listening on the couch): Chaos? Oh, I love chaos! (runs upstairs)
Mom: Look at that guy mowing the lawn, kids! He’s mowing perfectly straight lines.
Kids: Wow. Those are perfect.
Mom: Can you smell that fresh grass smell?
Kid: Nope, that’s just my fart.
Kid: SHUT UP!
Mom: Did you just say ‘shut up?’
Kid: No. My barbie did.
Kid: Siri, please make the TV work. Siri, PLEASE MAKE THE TV WORK.
Mom: She can’t make the TV work, she is just a computer voice.
Kid: Oh ok, got it. Siri, can you please make Netflix work on the computer?
Kid: Mom, someday when you get a lot of money, you could buy a cookie dough shop. If you do, I might buy some from you because I like cookie dough.
Kid, 5: Mom, does your baby inside you have a uterus yet?
Mom: Um, yes. Wait, how do you even know about uteruses?
Kid, 3: Yay mom! Give me a high five!
Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.