Humor,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

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The girls had some friends over. They were collecting rolly pollies in a bowl in our backyard.

Kate: This one is totally a boy. Look at that little thing dragging.

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Me: Girls! Good song! Jack and Diane. Do you know who sings this song?

Emma: No.

Me: John Mellencamp. But his name used to be John Cougar.

Emma: What? People can change their name?

Me: Yes, but I’m not sure if it was a real name change or if it’s a stage name because he’s a singer. But yes, you can change your name if you want. It’s probably a pain.

Emma: So I can change my name?

Me: I’m sure when you’re 18 or something, if you wanted to change your legal name, you can.

Emma: So I can change it to Kate PicksHerNose Burton?

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I dropped the girls off at school in the morning.

Me: Emma, don’t forget I’m pulling you out of school early for your orthodontist appointment.

Emma: Ok.

Kate: WHAT?!

Me: Knock it off, Kate. She has a doctor’s appointment.

Kate: (Slams door. Stomps on sidewalk. Turns around and glares at me as I drive away, sticks tongue out at me)

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Me: Kate, do you want to hold William? (The girls’ newest baby cousin)

Kate: I already held him once, a long time ago.

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Me: Kate, your bruise on your eye looks like it hurts.

Kate: Nah, only when I blink.

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I painted the girls’ toenails.

Me: Kate, you have your daddy’s toes.

Kate: Good.

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Me: Oh, Emma. I think your sports bra shrunk?

Kate: I’ll take it!

Me: You don’t need a sports bra.

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Emma: MOM! Kate is raising her eyebrows at herself in the mirror and she’s only wearing a sports bra!

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In the car.

Me: Girls, daddy said to meet us out for dinner. Where do you want to go?

Emma: Not anywhere with food. My stomach hurts.

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Kate: So when we going to Costa Rica?

Scott: What? Who told you anything about Costa Rica?

Kate: No one. Just sounds fun. Can we go?

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In the car.

Me: UGH! Girls! Rule number one when you drive: don’t be a slow driver. People will yell at you TO HURRY UP! FASTER, CAR! This is so dangerous. They are so dangerous, girls. WHO DRIVES 50 MILES PER HOUR ON A HIGHWAY!

Kate: Are you telling us you want us to drive with a lead foot?

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Me: Kate, will you feed the dogs?

Kate: Emma needs to learn how to be responsible.

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Kate: Mom, I accidentally brought my iPod to school.

Me: Uh oh. Did you keep it in your backpack?

Kate: Yeah, I just kept it in there since we’re not allowed to have them.

Me: Oh, ok. Good.

Kate: But then we were taking a test and it was all quiet and my Crossy Road game beeped at me to start playing Crossy Road. And I was like, “uh, hope no one heard my Crossy Road in my backpack.”

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The girls baked Scott a cookie cake before he arrived home from Colorado.

Emma: I’ll put on frosting.

Kate: And then we’ll save it for Sunday, when gets back. We can eat it after Daddy see it.

Emma: Well, Kate. Maybe we can take a picture of it and start eating it tonight.

Kate: And maybe save him one slice? Yeah, let’s do that. Take a picture, Mom.

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It was the weekend Scott was in Colorado. I was watching a movie in my bedroom on a Friday night. The girls asked if they could hang out with friends on our front patio with the lights on. I told them it was ok with me. I heard Kate rummaging around the kitchen. The front door opened.

Kate: COCKTAILS! (slams door)

I ran out to the front patio. Kate has a tray of drinks.

Kate: Crushed or cubed?

Me: What are doing?

Kate: Handing out waters.

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Emma: Mom, can Kate and I ride our bikes to the pond?

Me: I guess. But watch for cars. Stop every time you cross the road and look both ways. Ok?

Emma: Got it.

The girls come home after about 45 minutes.

Me: Did you have fun? Wait, Kate where are your shoes?

Kate: Ha! Well, that’s funny. I didn’t even notice they were gone. I guess I forgot my shoes at the pond.

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Scott: Did you put on makeup?

Kate: Yes.

Me: It actually looks really good. Did one of your friends do it?

Kate: I did it.

Me: Really? It’s sorta amazing.

Kate: I’ve spent years watching you, Mom.

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Kate: These raspberries need something. Hmmmm, lime zest. Yes.

Me: Lime zest? Who uses lime zest?

Emma: Mom, she watches Food Network now. She thinks she’s on a show.

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Kate: When I get a car, I’m getting a Jeep.

Me: I can totally see you in a freaking Jeep.

Emma: What about me, mom?

Me: Cute, little two-door sportscar. That’s what I drove in college.

Emma: That sounds way warmer in the winter than a Jeep.

Me: You can put the cover back on a Jeep. It’s not open all the time.

Kate: Or just keep cover off, keep doors off and me wearing a winter coat when I drive.

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Scott: Uh, Kate just saw me in my underwear.

Me: So?

Scott: And she said “really, dad? Poking out? My friends are here.”

Me: Was it poking out?

Scott: No! Just normal, protruding I guess.

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Special Edition: Oh Kids.

My niece, Gabby (4), was at my house.

Gabby: Why does Emma have braces?

Me: To straighten her teeth.

Gabby: Oh, were they curly?

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Our friend, Hunter, came over to help Scott plant a tree. He brought his daughter, Mikaela (3).

Mikaela: What’s your name?

Me: You know my name! Julie.

Mikaela: I don’t think I like that name.

Me: Me either.

Mikaela: What’s Scott’s name?

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Mikaela: What are you doing, Julie?

Me: Talking to your dad and Scott out my window. See them?

Mikaela: I don’t really care what my dad says.

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Mikaela: What are you going?

Me: Now I’m doing laundry.

Mikaela: My dad never does this.

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Kid, 4: Does “playground” start with “ice cream”?

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The family dog was pooping in the backyard.

Kid, 6: I sure hope a mole doesn’t go up his butthole.

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Kid, 6: Hey mom! Did you know Abraham Lincoln would have lived longer if he hadn’t gotten shot in the head?

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Kid, 20 months: (grabs his mom’s boob) Ooo! Ball!

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Kid, 4: If mom and dad die, will Mamaw and Papaw take care of us?

Kid, 5: Uh, no. Thor and Elsa will.

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Kid, 4: (smacks little brother on the arm)

Dad: Why did you do that?

Kid, 4: Satan made me do it.

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Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Or friend me on Facebook and I’ll pull quotes from statuses. You and your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

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