Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7.
Scott: True or False?
Kate: I love this game!
Scott: One day, in college, mommy showed her boobs to people at a bar.
Kate: Hmm. False.
Scott: Correct. Because if mommy were to do that, she would go to jail.
Kate: No, she wouldn’t.
Emma: So Donald Trump will be the new President?
Emma: So he has to move into the White House?
Emma: He probably won’t like that too much?
Me: Really? Why do you think?
Emma: That must be much smaller than his other houses.
Emma: Mom, I saw Kate today at school.
Me: Aw, you did? You guys never see each other.
Emma: Our lines crossed in the hallway.
Me: That’s cute.
Emma: Yeah, Kate pushed me against the wall and then she goes back into her line and waves at the rest of my class and says, “oh! Hello, everyone!” And the class is like, “oh your sister is soooo cute!”
I waited in the school office for Emma. I had to take her to an orthodontist appointment. The school office has all glass walls. I see Kate’s class walking down the hallway. I looked for Kate and found her.
Kate sees me and does a double look.
Me: (waving) Hi Kate!
Kate: (makes an angry face, points at me, and continues walking)
Kate: Did you know Siri doesn’t know everything?
Me: She’s a computer.
Kate: Google knows everything.
Kate’s friends came over and asked if Kate could spend the night. I said that was fine. Kate brought down her overnight bag and headed towards the door.
Me: Wait! Kate! Give me a hug! I’m going to miss you!
Kate: I’ll miss you too, mommy.
Me: You can stay here if you want.
Kate: When I’m packed, I’m gone. Bye!
Me: Here’s my birthday list, girls. I’m going to send daddy and you all over town!
Emma: Mom. Don’t treat us like slaves. I’m learning about slaves now. Don’t treat us like that.
Kate: How much was your tattoo, daddy?
Scott: About $1500.
Kate: Ha! Well, that’s a waste.
Me: A waste?
Kate: Yeah, that’s a lot of money, honey. (snaps)
Scott was putting our Christmas lights up on the house. Kate and her friend stood on the driveway, watching.
Friend: My dad would never do that. He’s scared to be on the roof.
Kate: My dad is scared of Alice in Wonderland and NOT Game of Thrones.
Kate: Why does your middle name only have two letters?
Me: Ann has three? A-n-n.
Kate: Oh, I thought it was A-n. Like the word.
The girls were watching Full House. It was the episode when Rebecca and Jesse get married.
During the middle of the wedding…
Kate: Man! This is horrible!
In the car.
Kate: Can I play with your phone?
Me: No. When I was a kid, we didn’t have phones or iPods to play with in the car. Look out the window.
Emma: When I have kids, I’m going to say we didn’t have whatever new invention they have.
Kate: When I have kids I’m going to tell them we had iPods that went dead and when they died we couldn’t use them in the car.
Emma: Yeah, and that GRANDMA wouldn’t let us use her phone.
Kate: How do you say meatloaf in Spanish?
Me: Let Stella outside. She needs to go pee.
Me: Please, it’s my birthday.
Kate: You’re not the queen of me.
Me: I’m asking nicely.
Kate: SCOTT! LET YOUR DOG OUT! SHE HAS TO PEE!
Me: Kate, before you go upstairs, will you put my glass in the sink?
Kate: I’m not your wine maid.
Emma: Mom, there’s only two ice cream bars left. Kate has one and I have one. You can have mine if you want. I can find another snack. I know they’re your favorite.
Me: Oh, can I? I’ll take it if you want to eat something else.
(I look at Kate, holding her ice cream bar)
Kate: They’re so gooood! You can’t have mine!
Me: Where’s my pillow?
Scott: Oh. Forgot to tell you. Kate came in here and took your pillow.
Me: So now I have this dink kid pillow?
Scott: She said you could have hers. Yours is much better so she’s taking it.
Text message from Kate.
Kate: Mommy, will you get me and Emma Dunkin Donuts?
Me: Yes, when I wake up.
Kate: Go now.
I was reading “Weird But True” facts from a National Geographic Kids book with Emma.
Me: Ha! Listen to this – Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has the world record for amount of selfies taken in one minute.
Emma: Why is that funny?
Me: Your dad loves him.
Emma: Why? Because dad’s middle name is Duane?
Still reading the Weird But True book with Emma.
Me: Aw, kids that grow up with a dog have a less chance of developing asthma in their lifetimes.
Emma: Did you also know that kids with dogs have a higher rate of being late to school?
Emma: Can’t blame me for being late to school now.
Me: It’s 8:30, girls! Bedtime!
Me: Uh, yes. School night.
Kate: Nina told us you didn’t go to bed until 9:00 on school nights.
Emma: New bedtime!
Scott and I were getting the kids’ school things ready in the morning while the girls looked for Buddy, the elf. They left the kitchen but we could still hear them.
Kate: Where is he, Emma?
Emma: I don’t know.
Kate: Where’d they hide him?
Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
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