A – B – C – D – E – F – G
I had to sing that. We’re on letter G today.
You know what else I have to sing? The times table song. Also Monday through Sunday in Spanish. And Pizza Shuttle’s phone number in Manhattan, Kansas – home of my college days and drunk eating pizza.
I’m not a smart woman. I’m just not.
There are life skills I struggle with such as filing taxes, not falling for the car mechanic’s lies, how to raise kids, cooking, speaking intelligently in front of others, and by the way – will someone explain why looking up at the stars isn’t looking north?
One of my biggest struggles is nutrition. I don’t understand what I should be eating. It’s a basic instinct and a requirement if I want to live. As a kid, I would just eat what my parents gave me. If I didn’t like it, I would wait and ask my dad for ice cream later. He’d always cave. As an adult and parent, oh the pressure.
The letter G.
I’m so confused.
I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m a terrible eater. And honestly, I don’t even know what that means anymore – a terrible eater. I’m not on a mission to lose weight. I just want to be healthy.
The grocery store doesn’t have a section labeled this is good for you. It’s like a scavenger hunt. I have to find the good because nothing seems healthy. The damn place is trying to kill us all.
Produce – Easy. Fruits and vegetables. We should all eat more of them. But not that GMO corn. And not those huge, ripe apples either. Those are bad for you. I need to get the tiny, organic baby apples. Plum sized apples, yes. Ten dollars each. That sounds reasonable. Oh, and cauliflower rice. Is that what we’re doing now? Do you know what that sounds like? That sounds like my adult children writing about me on their future blogs that I’m the world’s worst mother. No, I still haven’t tried it yet.
Fruit juice – 100% fruit juice. Perfect for the kids’ lunches. Flashback to the kids’ last pediatrician wellness exams – “How much juice do they drink a day? Ok, well we like to tell parents to cut back on juice. Fruit juice is still sugar.”
Bakery – The section hits me like a truck. The smell of warm, crusty loaves of bread. Breadsticks. Garlic bread. Pretzel buns. Mmmm donuts. It’s my favorite section. Don’t mind if I…slap your momma. I drop the bread. The newest, most deadliest food on the planet – the bread. Gluten, carbohydrates, wheat, rye, barley, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Dairy – Got milk? Let’s kick some osteoporosis ass. Protein, vitamin D, calcium, BOOM. I can’t get skim milk, it tastes like water. I can’t get whole milk because they say that’s too much fat. 2% sounds good. STOP. The choices – almond milk, coconut milk, soy milk, oh these must be for lactose intolerant people. Oat milk, cashew milk, goat milk, but where’s human? And why am I drinking from a cow’s big, fat, swollen udder anyway? Is this bad for me? Screw it, I’ll just drink water and grab this hunk of cheese because cheese doesn’t look like it came dripping from a cow’s teet. Hm, and why is cheese yellow?
Meat – Ta-da! It’s filling. There’s protein. Beef – it’s what’s for dinner. Wait. Hormone free. Antibiotic free. Grass-fed beef? I don’t want to know my meat’s last meal, thank you. I already switched Bertha’s teet juice for some nut juice. And I’m pretty sure red meat is bad for your heart and I read somewhere that red meat turns all cancer-y. I’ll go with these dink chicken breasts for $25 each.
Boxed and canned foods – Don’t do it. It’s processed food. It’s fake food. It’s been sitting on the shelf for years. Hm, “made with real cheese.” What marketing genius puts that on a box? Uh, when was it NOT real cheese? Processed food doesn’t even taste that good. Except for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. And Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Tortilla chips. Oh, and Pop Tarts. Not the Low Fat Pop Tarts because that doesn’t sound chemically altered. Does oatmeal count as processed? What is an oat anyway?
Coffee – Caffeine. Yes, I know. I don’t care.
Wine and beer – Grocery shopping stresses me out.
You see? I’m a terrible eater. But why? That’s what confuses me.
What is eating healthy?
The grocery store is covered in labels. And every single one of them makes me feel guilty. They’re everywhere – fat free, sugar free, GMO free, hormone free, gluten free, nut free, dairy free. What are we left with? Are we better off drinking water, growing a garden, and shooting a chicken you raised in your yard? Is that the perfect meal? That sounds like a mess to clean.
Life was much easier when I learned how to sing the ABCs.