I ran into my cousin, Bob, at a bar last night. I was with Scott’s family.
We were two drinks into dinner when Bob walked in. Scott was high on medication from the hospital.
Me: Oh shit.
Scott: OH SHIT. THERE HE IS!
Scott clapped. Scott’s family nervous laughed.
Bob: YOU NEED TO WRITE ABOUT ME AND OUR FAMILY MORE! We got an aunt showing her titties, we got a grandma shitting her pants…
Emily: Is this your real cousin?
Me: Yes, our dads are brothers.
It’s funny you say I need to write about you more, Bob. Because I have. I’ve written about our family.
And you wonder why I am the way I am.
A reprise blog post from four years ago. Believe me, my side of the family has gotten worse since then.
“In my 88 years on earth, I have never seen someone so blessed by a family like ours. I have never seen a family so loved by each other. I am so lucky to have each and every one of you.” — Grandma, Christmas 2013.
Don’t let Grandma fool you. Oh, she knows.
Everyone has a “crazy aunt” they have to put up with on Christmas. I have a “crazy family.” I’m not kidding you – this is how they act all the time with or without alcohol. I feel I must apologize in advance for their raunchy and inappropriate use of words in front of the kids. It’s not my style to fill my blog with profanity but I will make an exception for the family Christmas.
What that poor helpless fly on the wall heard in a neighborhood clubhouse:
Me: Scott, is it messed up if my Grandma called me last week to see how much beer you and I can drink for the party? That’s sweet. She wanted to make sure she buys enough. — Scott: Your family has some serious issues.
“There’s a 45 second over/under on when Grandma will start crying during her blessing. You in?”
“Is Grandma’s seat shit proof?”
“Why are we waiting to say Grace? — They went to get some liquor first.”
“Grandma, look at this picture of Emma’s deer she shot! — Oh, look at that. She shot that? Now, will the deer recover?”
“So Zach took a bite of my side dish in the car and spit it out. Then one of the kids tried it and spit it out. My dad said it tastes like something from the Middle East. I hope the rest of the family likes it.”
“So then the asshole neighbor decided to call animal patrol on us. I’m sorry but you’re going to have to hold me back from getting drunk, picking up every piece of dog shit in my yard and making a pile on their front porch. — Hey, did you know your grandmother did that once? Left a bag of shit with a note that said “your dog is shitting in my lawn.”
“AH! Who’s rubbing my shoulder? I hope you don’t have jizz on your hands!”
“Are we going to play spin the bottle? — No, we are going to play spin Grandma.”
“Go give your Grandmother a kiss. — Let’s get wet, Grandma!”
“Wait, why is Grandma giving my unborn baby a gift? Does she think she’ll be dead next year? — Just shove the gift up your vag.”
“Oh, this is going way too slow. Someone help that kid open that shit.”
“What’d you get? — Great. Fuck you.”
“I think my mom just farted. — Maybe it was a queef. — What does a queef even smell like? — Like a flower. Like a deflowering. They don’t stink at all.”
“Hey, show Julie that picture of my mom pissing herself.”
“Don’t put your ballsack in my face! Jesus Christ!”
“Hold on. Stop opening presents. Grandma is going to the bathroom. — Is someone going to go help her wipe? Tom, go help your mother wipe her ass.”
“I think Grandma grabbed a tampon out of her purse on the way to the bathroom.”
“Ok! Open your presents! — Let’s see how good Grandma’s gaydar is working.”
“I’m trying to grab his ballsack! Hold on, maybe I got the head. Have you seen his ballsack? I’m telling you, he mooned me once and they’re HUGE, like just hanging down like some sort of animal. He has the biggest ballsack I’ve ever seen. You should check them out sometime.”
“I’m pretty sure your husband just tongued Grandma.”
“Hey! There is nothing wrong with my ass! — Except it’s hairy.”
“That’s my wife’s seat but you can go ahead and sit here. You’re way hotter than her. — I’m your cousin, Bob.”
“I got an Oklahoma Joe’s gift card. You want to steal it, then come and get it. It’s in my pants.”
“Oh my gosh! It’s a flesh light! What’s a flesh light? It’s a vagina in a tube! Show grandma! (Grandma looks at it) Room starts chanting – TRY! IT! ON! TRY! IT! ON!”
“He just slapped the vagina. Is that his signature move?”
“Kate sure is pretty. But if she doesn’t like you, she has that “eat shit and die” face nailed down.”
“Where is the damn macaroni and cheese? What do you mean she didn’t make it? What kind of sister are you to tell her not to bring it? This is the only reason we invite her!”
“How’s the baby brewing? — He’s growing good! Did you know it’s a boy? I have a dick growing inside me!”
“So you can still have lots of sex right now while pregnant. But towards the end, you’ll have to cut him off. But hey, at least there is still anal.”
“Did you just grab him? — Yeah, I did. And there is nothing there. Same with his crotch, I grabbed that too.”
“I don’t want a baby that’s naked.”
“I don’t know where it went but I just spit out my food.”
“Go fill this up with half vodka. — You didn’t even say please. — I already took “care of you” earlier. I don’t have to say please.”
“Most gay guys are good looking, like models. You are definitely not gay.”
“Did you say I’m about to clear this section out? There aren’t even deviled eggs here!”
“Oh, hey. I am trying to teach your daughter how to poop in here.”
“He’s the only nephew I can mess with. — Yeah, you took a bath with him once too.”
“Nice necklace. You wearing anal beads around your neck these days?”
And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”