• Fitness,  Humor,  marriage,  Womanhood

    Swipe up.

    Swipe right. You’re good-looking. Swipe left.  You’re not good-looking. The terms swipe right and swipe left are terms from the dating app, Tinder. I am married. I have two daughters, two dogs, a cat, a beautiful home, and my iPhone stores my credit card number for me. I swipe up.  I swipe up on Instagram stories. I swipe up all the time. I swipe up when Scott’s asleep next to me. I swipe up in front of his face as he’s talking to me. School car line? Swipe up. Grocery store line? Swipe up! Sitting in the parking lot of the gym? Fling!  If you’re wondering, “Julie, what the hell are you talking about.”…

  • Fitness

    I dumped Scott for Cody.

    I know many of you have been reading my blog for years now. You’re probably not shocked at the title “I dumped Scott for Cody” because you know I’m scheming you with my words. You are correct. The title is not what it appears. Cody is a girl. I dumped Scott for Cody. The statement is still true. No, I’m not a lesbian.  I dumped my old workout partner – Scott – for a new workout partner – Cody. I do not sugar coat blog posts. We’re all friends here and by friends, I mean real friends. Not some Facebook friend that has OMG. Best. Husband. Ever. Or an Instagram friend…

  • Fitness,  Hunting

    An elk runs my fitness routine.

    There’s an elk roaming a mountain in Colorado right now. He’s 11,000 feet above me. It’s a bull elk. His antlers tower four feet above his head. He eats grass and flowers. He drinks from the clear, cool mountain streams. His surroundings are majestic, a wilderness untouched by man. There are no roads. No trails. He screams a bugle into the thin mountain air, challenging another male for his prize of getting laid. They always want to get laid.  This elk runs my fitness routine. I will never see this elk, not alive anyway. I don’t have the desire to shoot an elk. I’m content with killing my meat with a swipe of…

  • Fitness

    BattleFrog.

    Somewhere over the rainbow… Wait, that’s not right. Somewhere in the city limits of Topeka, Kansas, Coach Pain gave a motivational speech to the 10:30 am wave of runners in the BattleFrog obstacle race. “Who here is cold?” My teeth chattered while I jumped in place. “Take a deep breath.” I inhaled and exhaled. I continued to jump. “Breathing will warm you up. And I’m gonna tell you right now –  holding your breath and hopping like this with your teeth chattering will not warm you up. You want to feel cold? Go to San Diego, California. Coronado Beach. Now that’s cold.” I don’t know, California seems pretty warm. I continued to jump in place. Scott rolled his…

  • Fitness,  Humor

    Tomorrow never comes.

    You know when you meet a new group of people and you’re polite and they’re polite and you hope they like you? And you know when this new group of people lives next door to you and you realize, after a year, the politeness is over and now they’re reading about themselves on your blog? Oh. It’s April 26th. I have four days to prepare for a 5-mile mud race including 22 military-style obstacles, such as crawling in mud under barbed wire and climbing up walls by lifting each other up like middle-aged cheerleaders. Scott and I agreed to run Battle Frog on April 30th with our neighbors. Our neighbors, the highlight reel:…

  • Fitness

    The soccer mom.

    Me: Hi, my name is Julie. I’m Emma’s mom. Soccer mom: Oh! Emma? In the green? Me: Yeah, that’s her running with the ball there. Soccer mom: Oh, are you the new ones? Oh, ok. Yeah, I saw you guys at the last game this weekend! Nice to finally meet you! Me: Well, I’m glad you didn’t say you remembered us from the first game. Emma was the one that cried because we lost! We’re high drama. And which one is yours? Soccer mom: Right there. Goalie. Me: Aw, cute. Yeah, we’re new. We’re in the process of moving over to this side of town. The kids started school here today. I…

  • Fitness,  Womanhood

    The jockstrap.

    Scott doesn’t read my blog. I know, it’s a little surprising. He will read a post if I ask him to read it. He will also read a post if it gets a lot of attention from his friends on Facebook. His response to not reading my blog is, “I live the blog.” Scott won’t read this post. You guys, he wears lingerie clips when he plays hockey.   I was laying in bed with Scott last night. We were watching baseball. My eyes fell to the cute pitcher’s butt. I mean, it’s like right there. Hm. I wonder if baseball players wear jockstraps? I can’t tell from the TV. I should ask…

  • Fitness

    My fitness routine.

    Fitness is a huge part of my life. I’m probably reading your comments from my phone at the gym. It has been suggested that I start a fitness blog. Let’s start with this post first. My fitness routine. I will state the obvious – I am not a doctor. Or a nurse. I am not a dietician. Or a fitness trainer. I have no business writing about this because I am not an expert. I’m not that smart. Continue on, if you so choose… I have a membership to a gym. I have tried working out at home with my own weights, running/walking, or DVDs. It doesn’t work for me. My house whispers the…

  • Fitness,  Hunting,  Travel,  Womanhood

    A woman against the sea.

    One of the oldest superstitions at sea is that a woman on board will bring bad luck. She will anger the Gods of the Sea. She’s a bad omen. The men will be prone to distraction with a woman on board. Well, get me a whiskey and call me Hemingway, boys! “To hell with luck. I’ll bring luck with me.” — Ernest Hemingway, Old Man and the Sea. Who am I kidding? Can I really do this? Sailfish are a highly prized game fish. They have been clocked as the world’s fastest swimming fish. They reach a length far longer than my 5 foot 9 inch body. Their weight is…

  • Fitness,  Travel

    Color me purple.

    Series of text messages on the eve of The Color Run: “Holy smokes people! 48 missed text messages! No pets to torture here.” BREAKING NEWS: I DIDN’T DIE DURING MY FIRST 5K. I am alive and well to write about The Color Run – Lawrence, Kansas. Thank you running Gods for giving us temperatures in the 60s. Thank you friends for taking my hand to stop me from bailing the start of the race when the crowd broke out into Rock Chalk, Jayhawwk…K-UUUUU. You know that hurts my Wildcat ears. Advice for newbie 5k runners since I’m allowed to give advice now: You won’t die. I mean, I’m pretty sure…