• Humor

    I’m moving.

    I’m moving. Boom. Got you to read. Good. it’s good for you to read. I don’t care if others look at you and roll their eyes because you’re “on your phone.” Screw them. You’re reading. It’s good for your soul. I’m moving. I’m moving in the land of the Internet – the space on your phone, if you will. I’m moving my blog. I’m changing the name and the design. I’m getting new photos taken. I’m even changing the domain name. Don’t worry – I will move my old posts because you don’t throw out the furniture when you move. Ok, the good furniture. Until then, I’ll still be writing.…

  • Humor

    One more Christmas post.

    There are many things in life we don’t get to choose. How tall we are. Our eye color. Your ugly ass feet. Who your parents are. Who your aunts and uncles are. Your grandparents. Your cousins. Your second cousins. Your siblings. And the people they chose to marry. Certain traditions, such as the tradition of spending the holidays with the family. Whether you chose to honor that tradition, well, that is your choice. I chose to spend the holidays with my family because my family is funny as hell and this is why I am the way I am. Overheard at the family Christmas Eve party: ____________ You just showed…

  • Humor,  marriage

    The next door neighbors.

    I don’t like writing stories that involve alcohol. Drunk stories, if you will. Stories about being under the influence. Sure, they’re funny and they show a part of our personalities that most people will never see. But the land of the Internet is not just you, Scott, and me. It’s employers, it’s potential clients, it’s our parents, possibly our future adult children. It’s our doctors making a mental note to check the “drinks alcohol” box on our charts. It’s people we’ve never met watching Scott and me roll by their house in a red golf cart at 10 a.m. on a Saturday morning. This wasn’t a normal Saturday morning joy…

  • Humor

    “My side” of the family.

    I ran into my cousin, Bob, at a bar last night. I was with Scott’s family. We were two drinks into dinner when Bob walked in. Scott was high on medication from the hospital. Me: Oh shit. Scott: OH SHIT. THERE HE IS! Scott clapped. Scott’s family nervous laughed. Bob: YOU NEED TO WRITE ABOUT ME AND OUR FAMILY MORE! We got an aunt showing her titties, we got a grandma shitting her pants… Me: Goddammit. Emily: Is this your real cousin? Me: Yes, our dads are brothers. It’s funny you say I need to write about you more, Bob. Because I have. I’ve written about our family. And you…

  • Humor,  Womanhood

    Laces out.

    It’s the one day of the year you can be anyone. You are not who you were born to be. You can slip out of your own clothes and into someone else’s. You can be dead. You can be a fictional character brought to life. You can be a celebrity. You can change sexes. You can even change from a human, if you really wanted to. You can attempt murder on Dan Marino because he didn’t place the football with THE LACES OUT. He forced me to miss the kick – thus losing the game – in the final play of Super Bowl XVII against the San Francisco 49ers. I’m…

  • Humor,  Womanhood

    Shame.

    You know when you were a kid and your mom yelled at you for pulling your sister’s hair? You knew better but did it anyway. There’s no way of “accidentally” pulling your sister’s hair. You know after years into adulthood, you get the lecture by the dental hygienist for not flossing well enough? You’re ashamed because you remembered to floss but you’re also a lazy ass and don’t want to get out of the warm bed and walk on the cold tile floor. Shame. Shame on you. The index finger shake. The shame shake. The you-knew-better shake. You know when you’re driving along the road and you think to yourself,…

  • Fitness,  Humor,  marriage,  Womanhood

    Swipe up.

    Swipe right. You’re good-looking. Swipe left.  You’re not good-looking. The terms swipe right and swipe left are terms from the dating app, Tinder. I am married. I have two daughters, two dogs, a cat, a beautiful home, and my iPhone stores my credit card number for me. I swipe up.  I swipe up on Instagram stories. I swipe up all the time. I swipe up when Scott’s asleep next to me. I swipe up in front of his face as he’s talking to me. School car line? Swipe up. Grocery store line? Swipe up! Sitting in the parking lot of the gym? Fling!  If you’re wondering, “Julie, what the hell are you talking about.”…

  • Humor,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.  ________________ I asked Kate for my phone while we were walking through a parking lot. She handed the phone to me and it dropped. We both looked at the phone at our feet. Kate: That’s your problem. ________________ Kate made a fake cast to wear. Emma signed the cast with “hope you feel worse.” For whatever reason, Kate left the cast on. I took the girls to downtown Kansas City. We sat in the KC Streetcar (like a bus). One of the employees walked down the aisle to make sure…

  • Humor

    My husband is well endowed.

    My husband is well endowed. I know that’s not anyone’s business but it is a piece of information you need to know before you continue reading because unless you’re me or maybe Scott’s high school hockey player friend or his mom, you wouldn’t know this. Scott is well endowed. Stop squirming. I have a point. Remember the Oregon Trail computer game where we learned how to ford river, caulk a wagon, and then we died of dysentery before reaching Oregon? Your success was largely due to which profession you gave yourself. Banker? You start with extra cash to purchase supplies. Doctor? You’re more likely to survive accidents or illness. Hunter?…

  • Humor

    Date your spouse.

    This post is sponsored post by Fyllan and Rozzelle Court Restaurant in the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art in Kansas City, Missouri. _____________ Date your spouse. It’s marriage advice. You’ll hear it at weddings. You might even hear it repeated at a baby shower. It’s advice for empty nesters or retirees too, although that’s a guess. I haven’t reached that point in life. The fact that it is a piece of advice will tell you it’s hard. Dating your spouse is hard. Babies are good at putting out a rockstar couple’s fire. Really good, like rolling in on a firetruck with a water hose. But I’m not here to tell you that. You…