• A to Z Challenge,  Humor

    The letter F.

    Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Scott’s not. The letter F. Fifth grade. This isn’t a post about Emma’s 5th grade homework. But it is about Scott failing. After school today, Emma told me they had a meteorologist from Kansas City’s KSHB 41 Action News talk to her class. The fifth grade is finishing up their weather unit. Emma: And guess what? She said Gary Lezak works with her. He is the chief meteorologist. When she asked the class for questions, I told her that you interviewed Gary Lezak for your magazine! Me: You did?! What did she say? Emma: She asked which magazine and I told her Simply KC. And you’re a…

  • A to Z Challenge,  Humor

    The letter E.

    Oh, the sweet letter E. The letter E. Emma. No name will make me smile at the thought. It’s the name that gave me the name “mom.” I met her May 24, 2006. It’s hard to believe she’s 10. It’s hard to believe she’s any age other than the little 6 pound, 4 ounce baby burrito handed to me. I can’t imagine a world without Emma but there was a time when she didn’t exist. It’s funny to talk to her about that former life. She makes me feel old. Old, like, Oh, God. I’m her mother years old. Here – I’ll show you. If you’re older than age 10, we can feel old together. Me: Hey,…

  • A to Z Challenge,  Humor

    The letter D.

    Spring cleaning. I know. It doesn’t start with the letter D. I’m getting there. Keep reading. Spring cleaning is the time to dust off the cabinets and scrub the floors. Baseboards are wiped down. Walls are cleaned and maybe even repainted. The salt and grime left on your winter boots are put away. Expired food in the pantry gets thrown out. The closets get organized. You start a pile of clothes for Goodwill and what the hell? A Target clothing tag. Liz Lange Maternity. Size L. $29.99 No way. There’s no way. The last time I was pregnant was 2008. How is it possible a clothing tag survived two house moves? No. Scott: What’s that? Me:…

  • A to Z Challenge,  Humor

    The letter C.

      Vanilla or Chocolate? It’s a huge decision. I mean, what are we talking about here? Ice cream? Cake? Are there fruits mixed in? What about coffee? Peanut butter? Are you adding a vanilla or chocolate flavor to a drink? What about a vanilla or chocolate scented candle? If you’re going to make me pick one and only one – it’s vanilla. Yes, I love safe, boring, and dumping a whole bottle of vanilla extract into chocolate chip cookies. Scott chooses chocolate. Kate chooses vanilla. Emma chooses chocolate. We can never agree on anything as a family. The one thing we can agree on is a Roy’s Chocolate Soufflé. The…

  • A to Z Challenge,  Humor

    The letter B.

    Me: I’m going to give you a letter and you tell me the first word that comes to mind. It needs to start with the letter. Scott: Ok. Me: The letter B. Scott: Bitch. Me: The first word you think of when I say the letter B is bitch? Scott: Guess so. Me: Give me another word – B. Scott: Bubble. Me: Bubble? Like gum? Scott: I was thinking like a bunch of bubbles. Me: Soap bubbles? Scott: I guess. Me: I wonder what a psychologist would say about your answers. Bitch and bubble. I thought about the letter B today. The first word that popped in my head was Burton –…

  • Humor,  National Geographic Kids

    Did you wipe your butt today?

    Did you wipe your butt today? It’s a serious question. And this is not TMI. This is kid speak. Asking a child if they wiped their butt will get them to laugh. That’s good because I need their attention. Yours too. So did you wipe your butt today? You don’t need to answer me. I know. Yes, Julie. Yes, I wiped my butt. Everyone wipes their butt because everyone poops. And you know what? Your mother and father are proud of you for wiping your butt. We all are. There are a handful of phrases parents say and “bend over and touch your toes” is one we can’t wait to stop. I’m rambling. What I came…

  • Humor

    Our cars are fighting.

    “I, Julie, take you, Scott, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy law, and this is my solemn vow.” SIGH. No, we’re good. We’re good. We’ve been through it all – better, worse, worse than that, rich, poor, ramen-noodle poor, the man-flu, and we’ve peaked in health and athletic ability. I thought we merged our assets beautifully, really. Walk into our home and you’ll see, well, Scott and me. You’ll see deer high up on the wall. You’ll also see flowers, fluffy blankets and candles.…

  • Humor

    Scott quit the PTA.

    The Pinterest Mom. Damn her. She has the best school party games. She has the best school party crafts. No peanut butter allowed? That’s not a problem because she knows exploding slime will be better than a small package of peanut M&Ms. The teachers adore her. The polite moms roll their eyes behind her back. But her friends will say it out loud in front of her – “Julie’s basically the adorable parent equivalent of teacher’s class pet.” I didn’t mean to become the Pinterest mom. It just happened. You guys, it’s not hard to be the Pinterest mom when all you have to do is steal ideas from Pinterest. I never add…

  • Humor

    I had another blog post for today.

    I had another blog post for today. I can’t post it because I’m not in the mood to laugh with others. It would be a fake laugh. I started a blog post last night. It was about Scott quitting the school PTA. That’s when Scott got the call. Scott: WHAT! I stopped typing. My stomach dropped. Something bad happened. I could hear the shock and sadness in Scott’s voice. I stared at Scott. Scott caught the questions in my eyes. Scott: Chris Mentzel passed away suddenly. Maybe heart attack. Me: WHAT! Scott hung up the phone. Me: What? We just hung out with him. No, he didn’t. Scott: That’s all Matt said. Oh wow. I just want…

  • Humor

    He’s still got it.

    Text message from me: Do you think Casey Anthony is hot? Text message from Scott: Who is that? I should stop here and tell you that Scott found a job! He’s out of town this week. This leaves me bored and streaming Kansas City’s KMBZ NewsTalk radio while slurping the last of the Ramen noodles. I’ll stop, Scott. I’ll stop. No more Ramen noodle jokes, I swear.  Back to the text messages. Me: Casey Anthony is the mom found “innocent” for murdering her little girl. But she totally murdered her kid. Remember? I think she lives in Orlando. Scott: Show me a picture. Why are you asking this? Me: Because this radio guy…