• NaBloPoMo

    Day 30.

    Day 30. I know it’s the 1st. December 1st. It’s not even November anymore. I missed the last day of November writing month. Out of all the days, I missed Day 30. Let’s go back in time, shall we? It’s November 30th. 1487 – Germany. A law is states beer should be brewed from only three ingredients: water, malt and hops. Albert IV, Duke of Bavaria, got shitfaced on this cold night. He threw a case of Summer Shandy out of his window, grabbed a pretzel, and declared, “that beer tasted like shit.” 1753 – United States. Benjamin Franklin received the Godfrey Copley medal for his “curious experiments” and “observations…

  • NaBloPoMo

    I stood with Henry.

    I sat up straight and smiled at the dermatologist walking in the room. She smiled back, sat down, and explained my diagnosis. “Julie, you have a hair loss condition called Telogen Effluvium. Your body went into shock immediately after the loss of your nephew and almost losing your sister. Three months ago, those two events were enough to shut your body down momentarily. Your fingernails stopped growing too. Your body seems to have corrected the shock. I see where your fingernails grew again. Your hair will do the same but because hair grows in a cycle, it will take about a year or maybe longer for your hair to grow…

  • NaBloPoMo

    36 things I learned in 36 years.

    I’m 36 years old and one day. I am another year older, wiser, but still not any more mature. 36 things I learned in 36 years – in no particular order: Make your serving size. Leftovers aren’t good. They just aren’t. There may be a few recipes or meals that hold an exception but I can’t think of anything worth mentioning. Eat the serving size in front of you. Seconds are better than leftovers. Eat and exercise like you have heart disease and diabetes. Because you will if you don’t exercise. This one is not fun. I know. But it’s necessary and maybe, just maybe, it will become fun. People will think what they…

  • NaBloPoMo

    This page is intentionally left blank.

    I fell asleep writing a blog post yesterday. Yesterday was my birthday. 36 years old. It was a tame one, as I would expect any 36th birthday to be. I didn’t even get a cake or ice cream. But I did get to introvert. My houseguests left. The wedding party left. The Russians left. The leftovers went down my drain. The beer, wine, and liquor is put away. My house is quiet and it’s the four of us again. Thanksgiving, a rehearsal dinner, and a wedding – done. I’m exhausted. This page is intentionally left blank. ______________ Wait, don’t go! Find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. And don’t forget to buy my…

  • NaBloPoMo

    And that’s how I met the mother of the bride.

    Today is the day when two become one. Today, there will be a marriage between a man and a woman. It’s a blending of two families. The groom’s family hails from middle America. The bride’s family is Russian. The groom’s family wakes up to fireball shots on Thanksgiving/wedding weekend. The bride’s family are non-drinkers. The groom is Scott’s cousin. I will be sitting on the groom’s side today. The mother of the bride will be sitting on the bride’s side. She will be sitting as far as she can from me. Cousin Julie. The rehearsal dinner was going well until the mother of the bride walked up to me with a…

  • NaBloPoMo

    And that’s how the boy parents won the Internet.

    My 6-year-old cousin: “My wiener hurts. It’s sticking straight up. It needs to point down. Not up!” I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THIS. There are some things you can’t ask Google, Siri, or Alexa. But you can ask Facebook and Twitter and get an immediate response. And that’s how the boy parents won the Internet. ____________ Welcome to my house. “Jeff, handle this” is my speech. – Morgan J. “That’s normal, it will go back down soon” is my speech. – Joah G. This conversation has happened many times in my house. Along with, “Hey, Mom! When I jump my privates bounce up and down!” – Christi S. Driving…

  • NaBloPoMo

    The 12 Days of Thanksgiving.

    On the first day of Thanksgiving my true love gave to me a very dry Russian wedding. On the second day of Thanksgiving my true love gave to me two rehearsal dinner invites, and a very dry Russian wedding. On the third day of Thanksgiving my true love gave to me three peeping boys, two rehearsal dinner invites, and a very dry Russian wedding. On the fourth day of Thanksgiving my true love gave to me four fireball shots, three peeping boys, two rehearsal dinner invites, and a very dry Russian wedding. On the fifth day of Thanksgiving my true love gave to me FIVE GOLDEN FLASKS! Four fireball shots,…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Thanksgiving steals my birthday thunder.

    Jimi Hendrix. Caroline Kennedy. Bruce Lee. …. Fine. And Jaleel White – also known as Steve Urkel. You know what they all have in common? November 27th. They all share a birthday with me. I know we can’t control our birthdays but is it really necessary to have sex on Valentine’s Day? Is it really necessary? I say no. There’s no need for that. It’s a Hallmark holiday. Wooing consists of a mass produced “I love you” card and a dozen overpriced flowers. Do not cave for this, ladies. Not in February. Have your way with men in, oh I don’t know – July. Show ’em some real fireworks. But if you are a romantic…

  • NaBloPoMo

    I started drinking then I remembered I have a blog post to write.

    Greetings. I hosted dinner for 20 people at my house last night. I’m hosting 30 people tonight. I’m hosting a rehearsal dinner on Saturday. There’s a wedding on Sunday. And my birthday is on Monday. Thanksgiving, a wedding, and a birthday. And then all of the sudden a whiskey showed up in my hand.  Open the Photo Booth! Here’s your blog post. We’re a beautiful family. ______________ Wait, don’t go! Find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

  • NaBloPoMo,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    And that’s how Emma and Kate skipped school today.

    Day 21 of consecutive writing. Are you sick of me yet? Oh. I am. Do you know who’s not sick of me? My damn kids. They want to be in the middle of the Thanksgiving action. They asked if they could skip school on Monday. I said no and shoved them out of the car door. They asked if they could skip school today. I said no. Kate called my dad. I don’t know her conversation with him but I can tell you my dad wasn’t being a dad. He was being Funny Papa. He was filling Kate’s head with ideas on how to skip school. “Start coughing a bunch around…