• NaBloPoMo

    Wieners take a lot of practice.

    “You’re getting piss all over the place!” Good afternoon. Have you ever tried to control a penis while it’s peeing? “I’m not stopping the stream. You better get some control.” You need to ever so lightly press down on the penis so it makes the straight – straight-ish – stream into the toilet. “Jesus, what are you doing?! You can’t reach in between my legs and grab it from underneath! That’s my sack!” It takes practice. “A grip?! What do you mean a grip?” It takes precision. Ask any boy in potty-training. “Your hands are ice cold. Don’t hit the crutches or I might fall.” A penis doesn’t need toilet…

  • NaBloPoMo

    This isn’t the blog post I thought it would be.

    This is a quick blog post today. I knew I would write about Scott working out with me – I just didn’t think he would end up with a back injury from the first warm-up move.  ________ Me: Scott, I’m so excited you’re going to work out with me at Fusion! Burn with your boy! Scott: I’m going to get my ass kicked, aren’t I? Me: Are you scared of two women? Scott: Yes. Me: Hm. I flashback to yesterday’s workout. Me: You’ll be fine. Scott and I walked into Fusion. Men filled the lobby. They looked terrified. Shauna: Hey, girl! Is this going to be a blog post? Me:…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.

    Emma: Awesome. So our neighbors and family will be getting THIS in their mailboxes? Me: We are not a normal family, Emma. Always remember this. Emma: Did you show dad? Me: No. He won’t care. Emma: Did you show Kate? Me: You know what? I don’t care what Kate thinks at this point because Kate won’t smile for a family picture. I will not let her ruin the family Christmas picture. We’ll ruin it together. Emma: This is so embarrassing. Me: This is the best Christmas card yet, Emma. Merry Christmas! With love, The Burtons Scott, Julie, Emma, and Kate Stella, Belle, and Penny (not pictured) If you would like…

  • NaBloPoMo

    A Thanksgiving planner.

    Day 16. 16 consecutive days of writing. It’s not over yet. Day 23 is Thanksgiving in the United States. Day 23 requires planning. Day 23 brings out the foodies, the NFL fans, the Pilgrim lovers, the shoppers, and any person that hates their job and wants a long weekend off. Day 23 sends the masses to a place on the internet known as Pinterest. I am a fan of Pinterest. I use it a lot for dinner ideas. I use it for school parties. I use it to plan a rehearsal dinner I’m hosting the Saturday after Thanksgiving (Day 25, that’s another post). I’m also quick to call bullshit on…

  • NaBloPoMo

    The carpet repair guy just got his own blog post.

    Me: Thank you so much for getting me in today! My husband is putting away the dogs. You can come in. Carpet Repair Guy (Oh, let’s just call him Mike): You’re welcome. So a cat problem, huh? Mike put an old towel down on the rug and stomped his wet shoes. Me: Yes, our cat is scratching the carpet upstairs. She likes to scratch the corner of the doors. There’s about 4 or 5 spots. I’ll show you. Mike: Lead the way. I took Mike upstairs. Me: Ok, so here. Here. Here. And in my daughter’s room, two spots there. We have leftover carpet in the basement. Mike: Yep. Easy…

  • NaBloPoMo,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.  ______________ Me: Why are you so evil? Kate: Must be genetic, MOM. ______________ Me: You jealous I saw Bruno Mars in Atlanta? Kate: You jealous I saw Bruno Mars in Kansas City and he said, “Hey, Kansas Citaaaaayy!” ______________ Me: Were you guys hot or cold last night? Emma: Hot. Kate: Hot and cold. Me: How can you be hot and cold? Kate: I got hot but then I just put one leg outside the blankets. ______________ I chaperoned one of Kate’s field trips. It was at the Mahaffie Stagecoach…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Life isn’t fair.

     Life isn’t fair.  That was my original post for today. My original post was about me reading books my whole life. Authors are my heroes. They pull me in with words, like magic. They keep me up at night and I never want to let them go. I wonder what kind of world lives in their heads. Other than a few local authors, I’ve never met my favorite authors. Scott reads one damn book since college and a few days later, by coincidence, he meets the author.  Scott rolled through the library’s book drop, returned the book, headed to the airport, arrived in Florida, sat through a few sales meetings,…

  • NaBloPoMo

    The after-fire commentary by Emma and Kate.

    Day 11. Over a third of the way done. If you’re just now joining me, I am writing every day for the month of November. It’s called NaBloPoMo – National Blog Posting Month. I am a part of a writing group that calls it Nano Poplano because peppers sound better. All you need to know is that I’m posting every day. I don’t plan the posts. I sit down when I figure out what I’m going to write about and I write. Two days ago, I wrote about a 9-1-1 call I made. My toaster caught on fire. [If only the firefighters didn’t call me gluten free] It’s the most popular…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Google this.

    I’m excited for the weekend. I’m excited because I have nothing going on. Nothing. It’s the middle of the November and I have nothing going on. I can’t remember the last time I had a free weekend. The summer, maybe? I don’t know. I am in my PJs. The girls are watching Home Alone in the living room. I am in my writing room, hanging out with you beautiful people. I have a glass of red wine and Spotify’s “Your Favorite Coffeehouse” station on. The fireplace is lit, raising the temperature way past Scott’s liking. Scott’s still out of town. What do you want to do? I have an idea! I…