• NaBloPoMo

    If only the firefighters didn’t name me gluten-free.

    “Bye, Scott! Good luck on your work trip! Love ya! Don’t worry about the kids and me! It’s not like I’ll burn the house down while you’re gone!” I almost burned the house down. Did you know 9-1-1 actually rings? The phone rings until someone picks up. I always thought 9-1-1 was an immediate answer. It’s not. It’s more like – 9-1-1-GREEN CALL BUTTON. Ring. Ring. Pick up the phone. Shit. Shit. Pan. I need a pan. No water on electrical. Ring.  Did I dial 9-1-1 right? Smother the fire, yes. No oxygen. Kill the fire. I extended my arm and tapped the pan to the flames roaring out of…

  • NaBloPoMo,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Should have drank the whiskey.

    How did you sleep last night? How did I sleep last night? How did you sleep? I’ll tell you how I slept – shitty. I slept shitty. I wasn’t prepared to sleep shitty. In fact, I was going to have an amazing night’s rest. Scott went out with some friends last night and he left me in all my fabulousness in the middle of my king size bed. I pulled the comforter back and crawled in. I opened my phone to start scrolling, and poof.  The hiss of the pillow blew out the sides of my head. There was half an inch of pillow in between my head and mattress.…

  • NaBloPoMo

    We’re all mad here.

    Scott doesn’t have a Facebook account. I mean he has an account on Facebook but he never looks at it. He doesn’t even have the app anymore. He receives family and friends gossip from me. If you want to interact with Scott on social media  – follow him on Instagram. He only posts hunting pictures, for the most part. Why did Scott stop looking at Facebook? He says he got bored with it. People complained too much. I think he stopped using Facebook because the wives were killing my vibe. “Mike’s cool girlfriend hunts with him all the time. Look at all these turkeys she’s killed.” “Jim’s wife is super…

  • NaBloPoMo,  Video

    Hung like a horse.

    If I don’t know an answer to a question, I do what most people do – I ask Google. Google search: What does hung like a horse mean? Google: Having a large penis. Google search: Where did the term hung like a horse come from? Google: From the Bible, Ezekiel 23:20: “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” Google search: Ezekiel 23:20 meaning Google: Oholah and Oholibah, personifications of two cities: Samaria in Israel and Jerusalem in Judah, respectively. Sisters. Prostitutes. Adulterers. Asses and horses are introduced in Ezekial to show the intensity of lust. Emission was…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Al Capone damn near gave me an STD.

    My family surprised my sister, Jenna, for her 30th birthday last night. We took her on a wild adventure through downtown Kansas City. Jenna’s closest friends and family raised a glass or two or ten in honor of Jenna’s 30 years of life. One of the stops on our bar-hopping agenda was Manifesto. Manifesto is a cocktail bar in the basement of the former hotel, The Rieger. Today, The Rieger is a popular restaurant in Kansas City. Condos make up the upper floors. The Rieger was built in 1915. It was owned by Alexander Rieger. Alexander’s father founded J. Rieger and Co. Whiskey in 1887. It was one of the…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Snitches get stitches.

      “I don’t want to hear it unless someone is dying.” “Stop tattling on your sister.” “But did you die?” No one likes a gossip. Parents don’t like tattletales. Even the Supreme Court doesn’t like hearsay. And no one likes snitches. Because snitches get stitches. The beauty of becoming an adult is you’re an adult. Anything you say or do is none of your parents’ concern anymore. Get arrested? Oh well. Didn’t pay your taxes? That’s your problem. Halloween candy for breakfast? Sure, go ahead. Scott and I are living with a snitch. Her name is Kate. She’s eight. When something doesn’t go her way – she tells our parents. __________ Kate: Mom,…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Not the birthday post.

    I should save this for my birthday post. November 27th, thanks for asking. But I don’t know what to write about so happy early birthday to me. I’m 36 this year. I’m still 35 as I type this. Things I learned in 36 – still 35 – years: I hate gum now. Chewing gum tastes like chewing on a mint piece of rubber. It doesn’t matter how old you are – girls are still cliquey. I’m pretty sure hangovers can kill. No, not the alcohol. The hangover itself might just kill you. Wearing a fake penis makes you want to grab yourself. I get it, guys. I get it. It’s just…

  • NaBloPoMo,  Writing

    The co-worker.

    I work with my husband, Scott. I don’t work with him professionally but I work under the same roof as him. We work “out-of-the-home.” It sounds nice on paper. You can make your own hours. You can be flexible with the kids’ activities. You don’t need to spend a lot of money on work attire. There’s no commute. It’s deceiving – working from home. It’s strange working with your spouse. We spend a tremendous amount of time together. Scott and I are essentially co-workers during the day. The kids are at school and we focus on our careers side-by-side. We each have our own office. I have a couch, blankets, and…

  • NaBloPoMo

    November 1st.

    I started a fitness challenge at my gym last month. Think of the fitness challenge as a Bingo card. I had to black out the card during the month of October. Squares contained certain classes, certain instructors, certain locations, even certain workout times – hello, 5:30 a.m. wake up call. That’s not right, you guys. I finished the workout challenge on October 30th. I received a free tank top. I’m starting a writing challenge this month. There isn’t a tank top at the end unless you want to give me one. This is my second year doing Rarasaur’s Nano Poblano. I’m going to write a blog post for 30 days straight.…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Hello, November 30.

    Well, I didn’t write a novel. That’s ok. It wasn’t my intention. I wrote for 30 straight days. It’s something I’ve never done before. I don’t know why I agreed to the challenge. 30 consecutive days of writing, or anything really, takes a lot of discipline. This discipline happens to fall in November. November is not a care-free month like sexy July over there. Thank you, Pilgrims. I finished Nano Poblano. I finished the damn thing. Whether it made me a better writer, I don’t know. I didn’t go into 30 days with a plan. I didn’t use pre-written posts in the draft folder. I wrote every post on that day, at that moment. I learned it’s…