• Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.  _____________ Kate: Can I take a mistletoe to school? _____________ I brought the girls over my parents house. Emma: What are you eating? My mom: We got some food from Freddy’s. Kate: Oh. We ate nothing. _____________ Kate: Why don’t you wear heels? Me: Because they make me taller than daddy and he doesn’t like that. Kate: Tell him ‘too bad’ and be taller. _____________ Kate: (petting our dog, Belle) Oh Belle Belle! You look dead laying here. Yes, you do! You look dead, Belle Belle! _____________ I picked up…

  • NaBloPoMo,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    And that’s how Emma and Kate skipped school today.

    Day 21 of consecutive writing. Are you sick of me yet? Oh. I am. Do you know who’s not sick of me? My damn kids. They want to be in the middle of the Thanksgiving action. They asked if they could skip school on Monday. I said no and shoved them out of the car door. They asked if they could skip school today. I said no. Kate called my dad. I don’t know her conversation with him but I can tell you my dad wasn’t being a dad. He was being Funny Papa. He was filling Kate’s head with ideas on how to skip school. “Start coughing a bunch around…

  • NaBloPoMo,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.  ______________ Me: Why are you so evil? Kate: Must be genetic, MOM. ______________ Me: You jealous I saw Bruno Mars in Atlanta? Kate: You jealous I saw Bruno Mars in Kansas City and he said, “Hey, Kansas Citaaaaayy!” ______________ Me: Were you guys hot or cold last night? Emma: Hot. Kate: Hot and cold. Me: How can you be hot and cold? Kate: I got hot but then I just put one leg outside the blankets. ______________ I chaperoned one of Kate’s field trips. It was at the Mahaffie Stagecoach…

  • NaBloPoMo,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Should have drank the whiskey.

    How did you sleep last night? How did I sleep last night? How did you sleep? I’ll tell you how I slept – shitty. I slept shitty. I wasn’t prepared to sleep shitty. In fact, I was going to have an amazing night’s rest. Scott went out with some friends last night and he left me in all my fabulousness in the middle of my king size bed. I pulled the comforter back and crawled in. I opened my phone to start scrolling, and poof.  The hiss of the pillow blew out the sides of my head. There was half an inch of pillow in between my head and mattress.…

  • Humor,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.  ________________ I asked Kate for my phone while we were walking through a parking lot. She handed the phone to me and it dropped. We both looked at the phone at our feet. Kate: That’s your problem. ________________ Kate made a fake cast to wear. Emma signed the cast with “hope you feel worse.” For whatever reason, Kate left the cast on. I took the girls to downtown Kansas City. We sat in the KC Streetcar (like a bus). One of the employees walked down the aisle to make sure…

  • Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.  _____________ I walked in the living room. Emma and Kate were watching Princess Diaries 2. Me: Hey girls. Oh, I love this movie! Did you know Julie Andrews is Mary Poppins? (singing) Just a spoon full of sugar helps the…. Kate: Princess Mia is 21 and she can drink wine now. _____________ Me: Don’t put a lot of salt on your food, please. Emma: That’s your own opinion. _____________ We took the girls to an outdoor concert in Minnesota. Kate followed me to the port-a-potty. I used the handicapped stall…

  • Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.  _____________ Me: It’s 9:00! Go to bed! Kate: Mom, it’s 8:49. Emma: Yeah mom, stop rounding. _____________ Kate: Wait, a minute. Are you writing down what I’m saying? Me: Yes. Kate: Write to the people that I said you have a big butt. _____________ Kate: Happy New Day’s Eve! Me: What? Kate: Every day is New Day’s Eve. _____________ Kate: Can you imagine the first person to eat an egg? Me: Yeah, can you imagine someone saying, “I should eat that thing sliding out of a chicken’s butt. Kate: What?!…

  • Oh Emma Oh Kate,  Parenting

    This picture cost me $20.

    I don’t post many pictures of my kids on social media. It isn’t because I don’t want others to know what my kids look like or I’m trying to protect their digital footprint. I am in a unique position when it comes to social media – I have public accounts. Anyone can look at my Facebook page, Instagram page or Twitter page. We don’t necessarily have to be “friends.” I made those public because it’s a platform to showcase my work. I’m a writer. And to be honest, an Instagram account with pictures of my kids would be boring to everyone but me. It’s the same concept as handing someone…

  • Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.  __________ Kate: Do you have a bra on? Me: No. Kate: Good. __________ Emma had a friend over. Elle: HEY! I NEED TOILET PAPER! Emma: Just shake it off and let’s go! __________ I was driving the girls somewhere. Kate: Telling dad you turned on a red light. Me: You can turn right on a red light after a stop. Kate: Oh. Still telling him. __________ After school. Me: Hey, where did you get that band-aid on your toe? Kate: School. Me: What happened? Kate: Nurse said it’s infected and…

  • Oh Emma Oh Kate,  Parenting,  Womanhood

    The birth of Kate.

    Good evening. It’s May 7, 2017. Kate is eight years old today. It’s story time here on the blog. I can’t think of a better story than the birth of Kate. I’ve never written Kate’s birth story. I’m a little surprised at this because birth stories are one of those staple stories we, as parents, tell one another. Placentas, foot-long needles to the spine, a smear of poo on your baby as it slides out – I mean, there’s no filter when it comes to birth stories. No, I didn’t poo on Kate. Before I begin the story, I will tell you I am feeling more pain now than I did…