• Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7.  __________ Kate: Daddy, why do you make mommy pay for everything? Scott: What? Kate: Every time we go out to eat, she always pays with her credit card. I think you need to pay sometimes too. __________ Kate: Look at that! Take a picture of that! That sign says wine. __________ On our family vacation, Emma fainted due to dehydration. Scott and Kate were granted permission to join Emma and me in the hospital room. Kate: UGH! I had to pee three times in the waiting room because daddy keeps…

  • Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Greetings from the Florida Keys!  We landed on the shores of Duck Key, Florida for part 1 of our vacation.  Not even two minutes after we checked in, I was high-tailing it with Emma in a screeching ambulance to Marathon Key’s hospital. Emma is ok. I’ll keep you in suspense on what happened until we get back.  We’re only here for a few days then we’ll head somewhere else – location to be determined because I don’t know yet.  I’m being vague. I’ll stop.  Here is the latest Oh Emma, Oh Kate – a series of funny things Emma, (age 10) and Kate (age 7) say. (I had to type this…

  • Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7.  __________ I rented the movie Twister. There is a scene when the tornado picks up a cow and the cow “moos” in the air. Kate: NO! THE COW! I don’t like this movie! Me: It’s all acting and computers. It’s not real, Kate. Emma: Kate, just pretend it’s a steak flying through the air. __________ Waiter: What would you ladies like to drink this evening? Emma: Sprite. Kate: Shirley Temple. Me: I’ll have a chardonnay. Kate: Ha! Wino. __________ Kate: Remember when I broke my leg? Me: Yes. Kate: I was…

  • Humor,  Oh Emma Oh Kate,  Writing

    How to write about your child comedian.

    There’s nothing special about my kids. My kids are not the smartest kids. They weren’t born with those type of genetics. They are not athletic because the lazy gene runs strong in my family. They also know how to awkward dance and they don’t play instruments. I’m really killing the gene pool. They’re also not the prettiest kids. I mean, they’re the prettiest to me but probably not to you. “There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.”  Yeah, that’s it – the Chinese Proverb. That is why I don’t bombard you with pictures of my kids all over the Internet. I know my pretty kids are not your…

  • Humor,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 9 and Kate is 7.    Me: Scott. Teenage son. Do you know what soap scum is? It’s when you leave soap in the tub and it NEVER COMES OFF. Rinse the bubbles down when you’re done. Please. Kate: Don’t be such a Mexican, mommy! Me: WHAT?! Kate: Daddy told me to say that. _________ I interviewed Eric Stonestreet for Simply KC magazine  (June’s issue). I wrapped my thank you gift for him in my closet. Kate: What are you doing? Me: I’m sending Eric Stonestreet a few things, thanking him for doing the interview with me. Kate:…

  • Oh Emma Oh Kate

    7 years and 9 lives.

    It’s called “midwest nice.” I have it. I have the midwest nice. The midwest is a part of the country that is known to be friendly. I’ll hold doors open for you. I will not honk the car horn even if you have a big, bad truck and think you own the road. I tip well because maybe your terrible service just means you are having a bad day. I say please and thank you. I apologize when I’m wrong and I shut up when I’m right. I also avoid the word no. Maybe. I’ll think about it. We’ll see. Possibly. I’m busy. I’m not sure. Let me ask around first. Those all mean…

  • Oh Emma Oh Kate,  Parenting

    Coors Light.

    Beer me. I use the term often, as any good parent should. When the kids push us off the ledge, the beer numbs the fall. Even though I have two daughters that are at the age when estrogen is brewing just below the surface, they are still kids. When it’s time for bed, they still need help. I’m at their side, reminding them to brush and floss their teeth. They still ask for a kiss goodnight. I am usually the last one to turn off the lights. And after they are asleep, I still pick up their toys in the play area. The things I find amuse me – drawings, puppets made from socks, a stack…

  • Humor,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 9 and Kate is 6.  ___________ I overheard Kate talking to her iPod. Kate: Siri, will you text Mommy Burton? Siri: What would you like to say to Mommy Burton? Kate: I want to say I don’t understand life. ___________ Me: Where’s my phone charger? Kate: (yelling from upstairs) It’s on the wall! Me: Which wall? Kate: By the Christmas tree! Me: It’s March! (I look where our Christmas tree was and my phone charger is there) ___________ Scott: Should I shave my beard? Me: No. Kate: No. I use it to scratch myself when…

  • Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 9 and Kate is 6.  __________ The girls and I were watching Fuller House, on Netflix. Emma: Why doesn’t Uncle Jesse look older? Me: I don’t know. Emma: Why didn’t Michelle come back? Me: The twins that play Michelle aren’t very nice celebrities. Kate: How did they make Michelle so short? __________ We were playing a game, called Wink. You win by secretly winking at your partner. Kate lost. She started crying. We played another round. Me: Wait, Emma – who was your partner? Emma: I thought you would figure out! Kate winked at me and a…

  • Humor,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. I jot them down in my phone then put them together in a blog post. Emma is 9 and Kate is 6.  __________ Emma: Mom, I only missed 1 out of 20 on my Spanish test today! The test was on food. Me: Mmmm, comida! Emma: What does that mean? __________ Kate: Let’s play would you rather. Me: Ok. Kate: Would you rather…lick the windshield with lots of bugs. OR lick daddy’s butt hole? __________ Me: Emma, you look pretty tonight. Emma: Do I now? (crosses her eyes and sticks out tongue) __________ Me: You don’t have…