• NaBloPoMo

    And that’s how the boy parents won the Internet.

    My 6-year-old cousin: “My wiener hurts. It’s sticking straight up. It needs to point down. Not up!” I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THIS. There are some things you can’t ask Google, Siri, or Alexa. But you can ask Facebook and Twitter and get an immediate response. And that’s how the boy parents won the Internet. ____________ Welcome to my house. “Jeff, handle this” is my speech. – Morgan J. “That’s normal, it will go back down soon” is my speech. – Joah G. This conversation has happened many times in my house. Along with, “Hey, Mom! When I jump my privates bounce up and down!” – Christi S. Driving…

  • NaBloPoMo

    The 12 Days of Thanksgiving.

    On the first day of Thanksgiving my true love gave to me a very dry Russian wedding. On the second day of Thanksgiving my true love gave to me two rehearsal dinner invites, and a very dry Russian wedding. On the third day of Thanksgiving my true love gave to me three peeping boys, two rehearsal dinner invites, and a very dry Russian wedding. On the fourth day of Thanksgiving my true love gave to me four fireball shots, three peeping boys, two rehearsal dinner invites, and a very dry Russian wedding. On the fifth day of Thanksgiving my true love gave to me FIVE GOLDEN FLASKS! Four fireball shots,…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Thanksgiving steals my birthday thunder.

    Jimi Hendrix. Caroline Kennedy. Bruce Lee. …. Fine. And Jaleel White – also known as Steve Urkel. You know what they all have in common? November 27th. They all share a birthday with me. I know we can’t control our birthdays but is it really necessary to have sex on Valentine’s Day? Is it really necessary? I say no. There’s no need for that. It’s a Hallmark holiday. Wooing consists of a mass produced “I love you” card and a dozen overpriced flowers. Do not cave for this, ladies. Not in February. Have your way with men in, oh I don’t know – July. Show ’em some real fireworks. But if you are a romantic…

  • NaBloPoMo

    I started drinking then I remembered I have a blog post to write.

    Greetings. I hosted dinner for 20 people at my house last night. I’m hosting 30 people tonight. I’m hosting a rehearsal dinner on Saturday. There’s a wedding on Sunday. And my birthday is on Monday. Thanksgiving, a wedding, and a birthday. And then all of the sudden a whiskey showed up in my hand.  Open the Photo Booth! Here’s your blog post. We’re a beautiful family. ______________ Wait, don’t go! Find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

  • NaBloPoMo,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    And that’s how Emma and Kate skipped school today.

    Day 21 of consecutive writing. Are you sick of me yet? Oh. I am. Do you know who’s not sick of me? My damn kids. They want to be in the middle of the Thanksgiving action. They asked if they could skip school on Monday. I said no and shoved them out of the car door. They asked if they could skip school today. I said no. Kate called my dad. I don’t know her conversation with him but I can tell you my dad wasn’t being a dad. He was being Funny Papa. He was filling Kate’s head with ideas on how to skip school. “Start coughing a bunch around…

  • Humor

    “My side” of the family.

    I ran into my cousin, Bob, at a bar last night. I was with Scott’s family. We were two drinks into dinner when Bob walked in. Scott was high on medication from the hospital. Me: Oh shit. Scott: OH SHIT. THERE HE IS! Scott clapped. Scott’s family nervous laughed. Bob: YOU NEED TO WRITE ABOUT ME AND OUR FAMILY MORE! We got an aunt showing her titties, we got a grandma shitting her pants… Me: Goddammit. Emily: Is this your real cousin? Me: Yes, our dads are brothers. It’s funny you say I need to write about you more, Bob. Because I have. I’ve written about our family. And you…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Wieners take a lot of practice.

    “You’re getting piss all over the place!” Good afternoon. Have you ever tried to control a penis while it’s peeing? “I’m not stopping the stream. You better get some control.” You need to ever so lightly press down on the penis so it makes the straight – straight-ish – stream into the toilet. “Jesus, what are you doing?! You can’t reach in between my legs and grab it from underneath! That’s my sack!” It takes practice. “A grip?! What do you mean a grip?” It takes precision. Ask any boy in potty-training. “Your hands are ice cold. Don’t hit the crutches or I might fall.” A penis doesn’t need toilet…

  • NaBloPoMo

    This isn’t the blog post I thought it would be.

    This is a quick blog post today. I knew I would write about Scott working out with me – I just didn’t think he would end up with a back injury from the first warm-up move.  ________ Me: Scott, I’m so excited you’re going to work out with me at Fusion! Burn with your boy! Scott: I’m going to get my ass kicked, aren’t I? Me: Are you scared of two women? Scott: Yes. Me: Hm. I flashback to yesterday’s workout. Me: You’ll be fine. Scott and I walked into Fusion. Men filled the lobby. They looked terrified. Shauna: Hey, girl! Is this going to be a blog post? Me:…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.

    Emma: Awesome. So our neighbors and family will be getting THIS in their mailboxes? Me: We are not a normal family, Emma. Always remember this. Emma: Did you show dad? Me: No. He won’t care. Emma: Did you show Kate? Me: You know what? I don’t care what Kate thinks at this point because Kate won’t smile for a family picture. I will not let her ruin the family Christmas picture. We’ll ruin it together. Emma: This is so embarrassing. Me: This is the best Christmas card yet, Emma. Merry Christmas! With love, The Burtons Scott, Julie, Emma, and Kate Stella, Belle, and Penny (not pictured) If you would like…

  • NaBloPoMo

    A Thanksgiving planner.

    Day 16. 16 consecutive days of writing. It’s not over yet. Day 23 is Thanksgiving in the United States. Day 23 requires planning. Day 23 brings out the foodies, the NFL fans, the Pilgrim lovers, the shoppers, and any person that hates their job and wants a long weekend off. Day 23 sends the masses to a place on the internet known as Pinterest. I am a fan of Pinterest. I use it a lot for dinner ideas. I use it for school parties. I use it to plan a rehearsal dinner I’m hosting the Saturday after Thanksgiving (Day 25, that’s another post). I’m also quick to call bullshit on…