• NaBloPoMo

    The carpet repair guy just got his own blog post.

    Me: Thank you so much for getting me in today! My husband is putting away the dogs. You can come in. Carpet Repair Guy (Oh, let’s just call him Mike): You’re welcome. So a cat problem, huh? Mike put an old towel down on the rug and stomped his wet shoes. Me: Yes, our cat is scratching the carpet upstairs. She likes to scratch the corner of the doors. There’s about 4 or 5 spots. I’ll show you. Mike: Lead the way. I took Mike upstairs. Me: Ok, so here. Here. Here. And in my daughter’s room, two spots there. We have leftover carpet in the basement. Mike: Yep. Easy…

  • NaBloPoMo,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.  ______________ Me: Why are you so evil? Kate: Must be genetic, MOM. ______________ Me: You jealous I saw Bruno Mars in Atlanta? Kate: You jealous I saw Bruno Mars in Kansas City and he said, “Hey, Kansas Citaaaaayy!” ______________ Me: Were you guys hot or cold last night? Emma: Hot. Kate: Hot and cold. Me: How can you be hot and cold? Kate: I got hot but then I just put one leg outside the blankets. ______________ I chaperoned one of Kate’s field trips. It was at the Mahaffie Stagecoach…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Life isn’t fair.

     Life isn’t fair.  That was my original post for today. My original post was about me reading books my whole life. Authors are my heroes. They pull me in with words, like magic. They keep me up at night and I never want to let them go. I wonder what kind of world lives in their heads. Other than a few local authors, I’ve never met my favorite authors. Scott reads one damn book since college and a few days later, by coincidence, he meets the author.  Scott rolled through the library’s book drop, returned the book, headed to the airport, arrived in Florida, sat through a few sales meetings,…

  • NaBloPoMo

    The after-fire commentary by Emma and Kate.

    Day 11. Over a third of the way done. If you’re just now joining me, I am writing every day for the month of November. It’s called NaBloPoMo – National Blog Posting Month. I am a part of a writing group that calls it Nano Poplano because peppers sound better. All you need to know is that I’m posting every day. I don’t plan the posts. I sit down when I figure out what I’m going to write about and I write. Two days ago, I wrote about a 9-1-1 call I made. My toaster caught on fire. [If only the firefighters didn’t call me gluten free] It’s the most popular…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Google this.

    I’m excited for the weekend. I’m excited because I have nothing going on. Nothing. It’s the middle of the November and I have nothing going on. I can’t remember the last time I had a free weekend. The summer, maybe? I don’t know. I am in my PJs. The girls are watching Home Alone in the living room. I am in my writing room, hanging out with you beautiful people. I have a glass of red wine and Spotify’s “Your Favorite Coffeehouse” station on. The fireplace is lit, raising the temperature way past Scott’s liking. Scott’s still out of town. What do you want to do? I have an idea! I…

  • NaBloPoMo

    If only the firefighters didn’t name me gluten-free.

    “Bye, Scott! Good luck on your work trip! Love ya! Don’t worry about the kids and me! It’s not like I’ll burn the house down while you’re gone!” I almost burned the house down. Did you know 9-1-1 actually rings? The phone rings until someone picks up. I always thought 9-1-1 was an immediate answer. It’s not. It’s more like – 9-1-1-GREEN CALL BUTTON. Ring. Ring. Pick up the phone. Shit. Shit. Pan. I need a pan. No water on electrical. Ring.  Did I dial 9-1-1 right? Smother the fire, yes. No oxygen. Kill the fire. I extended my arm and tapped the pan to the flames roaring out of…

  • NaBloPoMo,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Should have drank the whiskey.

    How did you sleep last night? How did I sleep last night? How did you sleep? I’ll tell you how I slept – shitty. I slept shitty. I wasn’t prepared to sleep shitty. In fact, I was going to have an amazing night’s rest. Scott went out with some friends last night and he left me in all my fabulousness in the middle of my king size bed. I pulled the comforter back and crawled in. I opened my phone to start scrolling, and poof.  The hiss of the pillow blew out the sides of my head. There was half an inch of pillow in between my head and mattress.…

  • NaBloPoMo

    We’re all mad here.

    Scott doesn’t have a Facebook account. I mean he has an account on Facebook but he never looks at it. He doesn’t even have the app anymore. He receives family and friends gossip from me. If you want to interact with Scott on social media  – follow him on Instagram. He only posts hunting pictures, for the most part. Why did Scott stop looking at Facebook? He says he got bored with it. People complained too much. I think he stopped using Facebook because the wives were killing my vibe. “Mike’s cool girlfriend hunts with him all the time. Look at all these turkeys she’s killed.” “Jim’s wife is super…

  • NaBloPoMo,  Video

    Hung like a horse.

    If I don’t know an answer to a question, I do what most people do – I ask Google. Google search: What does hung like a horse mean? Google: Having a large penis. Google search: Where did the term hung like a horse come from? Google: From the Bible, Ezekiel 23:20: “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” Google search: Ezekiel 23:20 meaning Google: Oholah and Oholibah, personifications of two cities: Samaria in Israel and Jerusalem in Judah, respectively. Sisters. Prostitutes. Adulterers. Asses and horses are introduced in Ezekial to show the intensity of lust. Emission was…