• NaBloPoMo

    Al Capone damn near gave me an STD.

    My family surprised my sister, Jenna, for her 30th birthday last night. We took her on a wild adventure through downtown Kansas City. Jenna’s closest friends and family raised a glass or two or ten in honor of Jenna’s 30 years of life. One of the stops on our bar-hopping agenda was Manifesto. Manifesto is a cocktail bar in the basement of the former hotel, The Rieger. Today, The Rieger is a popular restaurant in Kansas City. Condos make up the upper floors. The Rieger was built in 1915. It was owned by Alexander Rieger. Alexander’s father founded J. Rieger and Co. Whiskey in 1887. It was one of the…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Snitches get stitches.

      “I don’t want to hear it unless someone is dying.” “Stop tattling on your sister.” “But did you die?” No one likes a gossip. Parents don’t like tattletales. Even the Supreme Court doesn’t like hearsay. And no one likes snitches. Because snitches get stitches. The beauty of becoming an adult is you’re an adult. Anything you say or do is none of your parents’ concern anymore. Get arrested? Oh well. Didn’t pay your taxes? That’s your problem. Halloween candy for breakfast? Sure, go ahead. Scott and I are living with a snitch. Her name is Kate. She’s eight. When something doesn’t go her way – she tells our parents. __________ Kate: Mom,…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Not the birthday post.

    I should save this for my birthday post. November 27th, thanks for asking. But I don’t know what to write about so happy early birthday to me. I’m 36 this year. I’m still 35 as I type this. Things I learned in 36 – still 35 – years: I hate gum now. Chewing gum tastes like chewing on a mint piece of rubber. It doesn’t matter how old you are – girls are still cliquey. I’m pretty sure hangovers can kill. No, not the alcohol. The hangover itself might just kill you. Wearing a fake penis makes you want to grab yourself. I get it, guys. I get it. It’s just…

  • NaBloPoMo,  Writing

    The co-worker.

    I work with my husband, Scott. I don’t work with him professionally but I work under the same roof as him. We work “out-of-the-home.” It sounds nice on paper. You can make your own hours. You can be flexible with the kids’ activities. You don’t need to spend a lot of money on work attire. There’s no commute. It’s deceiving – working from home. It’s strange working with your spouse. We spend a tremendous amount of time together. Scott and I are essentially co-workers during the day. The kids are at school and we focus on our careers side-by-side. We each have our own office. I have a couch, blankets, and…

  • NaBloPoMo

    November 1st.

    I started a fitness challenge at my gym last month. Think of the fitness challenge as a Bingo card. I had to black out the card during the month of October. Squares contained certain classes, certain instructors, certain locations, even certain workout times – hello, 5:30 a.m. wake up call. That’s not right, you guys. I finished the workout challenge on October 30th. I received a free tank top. I’m starting a writing challenge this month. There isn’t a tank top at the end unless you want to give me one. This is my second year doing Rarasaur’s Nano Poblano. I’m going to write a blog post for 30 days straight.…

  • Humor,  Womanhood

    Laces out.

    It’s the one day of the year you can be anyone. You are not who you were born to be. You can slip out of your own clothes and into someone else’s. You can be dead. You can be a fictional character brought to life. You can be a celebrity. You can change sexes. You can even change from a human, if you really wanted to. You can attempt murder on Dan Marino because he didn’t place the football with THE LACES OUT. He forced me to miss the kick – thus losing the game – in the final play of Super Bowl XVII against the San Francisco 49ers. I’m…

  • Humor,  Womanhood

    Shame.

    You know when you were a kid and your mom yelled at you for pulling your sister’s hair? You knew better but did it anyway. There’s no way of “accidentally” pulling your sister’s hair. You know after years into adulthood, you get the lecture by the dental hygienist for not flossing well enough? You’re ashamed because you remembered to floss but you’re also a lazy ass and don’t want to get out of the warm bed and walk on the cold tile floor. Shame. Shame on you. The index finger shake. The shame shake. The you-knew-better shake. You know when you’re driving along the road and you think to yourself,…

  • Fitness,  Humor,  marriage,  Womanhood

    Swipe up.

    Swipe right. You’re good-looking. Swipe left.  You’re not good-looking. The terms swipe right and swipe left are terms from the dating app, Tinder. I am married. I have two daughters, two dogs, a cat, a beautiful home, and my iPhone stores my credit card number for me. I swipe up.  I swipe up on Instagram stories. I swipe up all the time. I swipe up when Scott’s asleep next to me. I swipe up in front of his face as he’s talking to me. School car line? Swipe up. Grocery store line? Swipe up! Sitting in the parking lot of the gym? Fling!  If you’re wondering, “Julie, what the hell are you talking about.”…

  • Humor,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.  ________________ I asked Kate for my phone while we were walking through a parking lot. She handed the phone to me and it dropped. We both looked at the phone at our feet. Kate: That’s your problem. ________________ Kate made a fake cast to wear. Emma signed the cast with “hope you feel worse.” For whatever reason, Kate left the cast on. I took the girls to downtown Kansas City. We sat in the KC Streetcar (like a bus). One of the employees walked down the aisle to make sure…

  • Travel

    Georgia didn’t pee on me.

    Somewhere 11,000 feet above sea level, Scott is stalking an elk on a mountain in Colorado. The air is thin. He sleeps in a tent he carried on his back. A fire and the company of two friends keep him warm at night. He does not take a shower other than maybe rinsing off in a mountain stream. The streams are also his source of drinking water. His restroom is a hole he digs in the ground. And flushing is a pile of leaves thrown on top. The moon is his nightlight. Somewhere 738 feet above sea level, I got pissed on at a concert in Georgia. Scott and I…