• Humor

    One more Christmas post.

    There are many things in life we don’t get to choose. How tall we are. Our eye color. Your ugly ass feet. Who your parents are. Who your aunts and uncles are. Your grandparents. Your cousins. Your second cousins. Your siblings. And the people they chose to marry. Certain traditions, such as the tradition of spending the holidays with the family. Whether you chose to honor that tradition, well, that is your choice. I chose to spend the holidays with my family because my family is funny as hell and this is why I am the way I am. Overheard at the family Christmas Eve party: ____________ You just showed…

  • Humor

    “My side” of the family.

    I ran into my cousin, Bob, at a bar last night. I was with Scott’s family. We were two drinks into dinner when Bob walked in. Scott was high on medication from the hospital. Me: Oh shit. Scott: OH SHIT. THERE HE IS! Scott clapped. Scott’s family nervous laughed. Bob: YOU NEED TO WRITE ABOUT ME AND OUR FAMILY MORE! We got an aunt showing her titties, we got a grandma shitting her pants… Me: Goddammit. Emily: Is this your real cousin? Me: Yes, our dads are brothers. It’s funny you say I need to write about you more, Bob. Because I have. I’ve written about our family. And you…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.

    Emma: Awesome. So our neighbors and family will be getting THIS in their mailboxes? Me: We are not a normal family, Emma. Always remember this. Emma: Did you show dad? Me: No. He won’t care. Emma: Did you show Kate? Me: You know what? I don’t care what Kate thinks at this point because Kate won’t smile for a family picture. I will not let her ruin the family Christmas picture. We’ll ruin it together. Emma: This is so embarrassing. Me: This is the best Christmas card yet, Emma. Merry Christmas! With love, The Burtons Scott, Julie, Emma, and Kate Stella, Belle, and Penny (not pictured) If you would like…

  • Humor

    The Trojan horse shot my Achilles heel.

    Hi. Welcome to 2017. I’m in bed, introverting. If you look up “introvert” in a dictionary, you will learn that an “introvert” is a noun – a person. Sometimes it’s an adjective – such as, Julie is introverted. “Introvert” is also a verb. Julie needed to go home after chaperoning the school field trip because she needed to introvert. It’s my blog and I can write new grammar rules if I want. Extroverts gain energy by being around other people. Introverts gain energy by being alone. That’s it. That’s the difference. This doesn’t mean that an extrovert is friendlier than an introvert. Or extroverts are the only ones that stand up for themselves. Rosa Parks was totally an…

  • Humor

    (wo)man cold.

    Call me the Grinch. Call me Ebenezer Scrooge. Call me Tiny Tim, dying on the floor from rickets and tuberculosis. Yes, I looked it up. Christmas lost its fun, its magic. Christmas became a survival rather than a celebration. Hand me the 2016 Christmas ornament and let’s get this over with. I have news for you. The ones close to me know this little secret. It’s minor, really. You can forget I ever mentioned it. I am a man. Not a man with a penis but a man with a cold. I have man-cold syndrome. I’ve heard the jokes. A bunch of girlfriends get together to complain about their husbands. The topic…

  • Humor

    The Christmas with the giant tree.

    There was the White Christmas Christmas of 2009. Fresh snow fell down on Kansas City. It was Kate’s first Christmas. There was the Christmas of 2014.  Emma informed us on Christmas Eve that she asked for an American Girl doll from Santa. Santa traveled through the slums of Wichita, Kansas to purchase an American Girl doll from the basement of a nice lady with a Craigslist account and buried cocaine in her couch. And there was the Christmas with the giant tree of 2016. There wasn’t supposed to be a tree this year. Real trees are messy. A real tree comes with a list of chores: lighting the tree, decorating the tree, watering the tree, vacuuming pine…

  • Parenting

    Saint Nick.

    I blame Clement Clarke Moore. I feel a little bad for throwing the blame at him because Clement is not here to defend himself. Oh, he’s long gone. He died in 1863. You’ve might have heard of the guy – he was a professor born and raised in New York City. A wealthy professor that lived in a mansion with his wife, Catherine. Did he call her Kate? Who knows. Clement and Catherine produced nine children. On December 24, 1822, Clement plucked a feather from one of his farm chickens, found some ink, and wrote a fictional poem. He needed a good story to get the kids to go to bed. They had an early morning at…

  • Parenting

    It was from Africa.

    Crown Royal Apple whiskey. Absolut Vodka and Bloody Mary mix. A Starbucks giftcard. An Olive Garden giftcard with toilet seat covers in a mug. A hard hat that holds two beers. A Zulu Mcedo – in english: a penis tip cover.  It was from Africa. The White Elephants were good to Scott and me this 2014 Christmas season. I’m going to call that last one our African Elephant. It’s a penis tip cover to prevent chaffing in African wear. Sometimes the small packages are not gift cards. Sometimes the small packages are made for small packages. If you touch the small package and your friends fall over in hysterics while trying…

  • Humor

    A Twitter Christmas.

    I’m back! Did you miss me? Much to the knowledge of all my Twitter followers, we went to my in-laws over Christmas. I was going crazy. Crazy because I couldn’t shake the feeling I was always hungry around my mother-in-law’s cooking. Crazy because I was bored in a town I don’t know very well. Crazy that an unlimited amount of whiskey was provided at all hours of the day by my father-in-law. And I love whiskey. I was mostly going crazy because I couldn’t sit down and write at my computer. Writing clears my head. I need to write. So I did what comes naturally to my trigger-happy thumbs –…