• Humor

    House Targaryen.

    Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen. First of Her Name. The Unburnt. Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and First Men. Queen of Meereen. Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea. Breaker of Chains. Mother of Dragons. The white-haired girl on Game of Thrones. Julie of the House Burton. Whoa, you look just like her. Did you actually dye your hair? Call her what you want. Halloween isn’t about the kids. Get, kids. Go find me a Milky Way. Halloween is about changing who you are for one night. You are not who you were born to be. You can be anyone in the world with the help of an Etsy account and…

  • Humor

    Phone dump.

    Do you ever go to Vegas and get the sensation you’re being watched? Well, you are being watched. The eye in the sky. Everyone knows that. I don’t know what “the cloud” is but I get the sensation there’s someone up there watching, storing, and laughing behind a room of computer screens. I got a new phone this week. The cloud saved my pictures because the cloud must know all. I pulled those pictures and saved them in the form of a blog post. My contact numbers are still floating around. I haven’t pulled those down yet. So if you get a text from me asking, “who are you?” please don’t make a joke and say “I’m superman.”…

  • Humor

    On Suburb Ave.

    They said we couldn’t have picked a better neighborhood to live in. On top of that, they said we couldn’t have picked a better street. “Oh, those are the “fun” neighbors,” they said. _________ On the 4th of July, they damn near set our not-yet-owned house on fire. We did not receive an invite. We’ve been in the new house for one month. We are still learning names, who lives where, which kid belongs to who, and which person drives which car. I am neighborly in that I like to wave as they drive past me throwing my body on top of my trash container lid. Our new life on the cul-de-sac is everything we were searching for – a close…

  • Humor

    Top Gun pumpkins.

    October 23rd. It’s the time of year Scott yells at me for carving the pumpkins too early. Scott has no idea what it’s like to be me in October. Scott sees a bunch of pumpkins on our porch. He might let the kids throw some camo paint on them. He may even look at them as food. I see blank canvases every time I pull into the driveway. It’s torture. Not to sound psychotic, but to totally sound psychotic because it is the season, I stood in my kitchen with a knife imaging myself taking that first stab. I am an artist. I couldn’t hold it any longer. I felt like Michelangelo the first time he saw the Sistine…

  • Humor

    You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling.

    Secrets. I’m not good at them. I also need help getting clearance for a fly-by over my neighborhood on the evening of October 31st, 2014. The kids will love it. My Halloween costume is locked and loaded. Our. I mean our Halloween costumes are locked and loaded.     I am dangerous, Scott. I might just chop my hair off. It was a sign from above. I drove the family to Scott’s birthday dinner on July 11th. I stopped at a stoplight. Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins started playing on the radio. Me: Oh! Top Gun! Scott: You’re not allowed to mention Top Gun without ever seeing it. Me: Uh, yes I can. A…