• Humor,  Womanhood

    Laces out.

    It’s the one day of the year you can be anyone. You are not who you were born to be. You can slip out of your own clothes and into someone else’s. You can be dead. You can be a fictional character brought to life. You can be a celebrity. You can change sexes. You can even change from a human, if you really wanted to. You can attempt murder on Dan Marino because he didn’t place the football with THE LACES OUT. He forced me to miss the kick – thus losing the game – in the final play of Super Bowl XVII against the San Francisco 49ers. I’m…

  • Humor

    House Targaryen.

    Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen. First of Her Name. The Unburnt. Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and First Men. Queen of Meereen. Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea. Breaker of Chains. Mother of Dragons. The white-haired girl on Game of Thrones. Julie of the House Burton. Whoa, you look just like her. Did you actually dye your hair? Call her what you want. Halloween isn’t about the kids. Get, kids. Go find me a Milky Way. Halloween is about changing who you are for one night. You are not who you were born to be. You can be anyone in the world with the help of an Etsy account and…

  • Humor

    Saved by the Bell.

    Maybe it was the fact that Zach Morris never had a beard. Or maybe it was because Kelly Kapowski had bangs. Greetings from Suburbia – where the dead trump Kelly Kapowski. TIME OUT. What? Yes, that is a real 90s cell phone. And yes. I said where the dead trump Kelly Kapowski. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. I mean, I don’t know – you tell me – were we in the presence of Michael Keaton and Patrice Martinez? Pom poms dropped. Zach Morris and Kelly Kapowski lost the Halloween costume contest. But so did a lot of characters: Little Red and her bad nightgown’ed wolf. Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon. A Popeye with boobs and an Olive Oyl with…

  • Humor

    On Suburb Ave.

    They said we couldn’t have picked a better neighborhood to live in. On top of that, they said we couldn’t have picked a better street. “Oh, those are the “fun” neighbors,” they said. _________ On the 4th of July, they damn near set our not-yet-owned house on fire. We did not receive an invite. We’ve been in the new house for one month. We are still learning names, who lives where, which kid belongs to who, and which person drives which car. I am neighborly in that I like to wave as they drive past me throwing my body on top of my trash container lid. Our new life on the cul-de-sac is everything we were searching for – a close…

  • Humor

    You can be my wingman anytime.

    Scott: How can I kiss you if you look like a man? Me: I’m sorry I’m not as pretty as Tom Cruise, Scott. We hit below freezing temperatures last night. I’m pleased with my decision to special order my jacket from some guy in England who makes replica Maverick jackets. It was expensive but warm. I am also pleased Scott doesn’t read my blog and will never know this information. Cheerio! It was a bitter night in the ‘hood but the cul-de-sac home base upped the stakes this year. The Halloween staples – candy for the kids and beer for the adults – were put in place. We had whiskey for the crazies and for…

  • Humor

    Top Gun pumpkins.

    October 23rd. It’s the time of year Scott yells at me for carving the pumpkins too early. Scott has no idea what it’s like to be me in October. Scott sees a bunch of pumpkins on our porch. He might let the kids throw some camo paint on them. He may even look at them as food. I see blank canvases every time I pull into the driveway. It’s torture. Not to sound psychotic, but to totally sound psychotic because it is the season, I stood in my kitchen with a knife imaging myself taking that first stab. I am an artist. I couldn’t hold it any longer. I felt like Michelangelo the first time he saw the Sistine…

  • Humor

    You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling.

    Secrets. I’m not good at them. I also need help getting clearance for a fly-by over my neighborhood on the evening of October 31st, 2014. The kids will love it. My Halloween costume is locked and loaded. Our. I mean our Halloween costumes are locked and loaded.     I am dangerous, Scott. I might just chop my hair off. It was a sign from above. I drove the family to Scott’s birthday dinner on July 11th. I stopped at a stoplight. Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins started playing on the radio. Me: Oh! Top Gun! Scott: You’re not allowed to mention Top Gun without ever seeing it. Me: Uh, yes I can. A…

  • Humor

    The evil of the Thriller.

    Scott: You say hunting in Colorado would be your personal hell. This. This is my personal hell right now. You making me look like a hobo. Me: You know what, Scott. I’m glad it’s your personal hell. You fit the part better. You’re a zombie. Not a hobo. Scott: I’m not even walking with you. I’m passing out beer and candy with the other dads. Me: The kids will love it. We are the masters at Halloween. No one will top us. Scott: You just want a damn picture. Oh, but where is Kate you ask? She took the pictures. Kate also went trick-or-treating without a costume. She refused to…

  • Humor

    Thriller.

    Yes, I’m talking about MJ’s Thriller. Yeah, I know it’s August. Let me explain. There comes a time when I get sick of summer. That time is now. The kids can feel it too. Every day is a day filled with boredom. They are sick of everything. So what do I do with my kids? We shop for school supplies and new shoes, of course. I am also on a hunt for red skinny jeans and a red leather coat. Kids, put the Halloween costume catalogs away! It just hit me. We’re going to be Thriller as a family for Halloween! I’m going to be Michael Jackson and you guys…