• Humor

    One more Christmas post.

    There are many things in life we don’t get to choose. How tall we are. Our eye color. Your ugly ass feet. Who your parents are. Who your aunts and uncles are. Your grandparents. Your cousins. Your second cousins. Your siblings. And the people they chose to marry. Certain traditions, such as the tradition of spending the holidays with the family. Whether you chose to honor that tradition, well, that is your choice. I chose to spend the holidays with my family because my family is funny as hell and this is why I am the way I am. Overheard at the family Christmas Eve party: ____________ You just showed…

  • NaBloPoMo

    I started drinking then I remembered I have a blog post to write.

    Greetings. I hosted dinner for 20 people at my house last night. I’m hosting 30 people tonight. I’m hosting a rehearsal dinner on Saturday. There’s a wedding on Sunday. And my birthday is on Monday. Thanksgiving, a wedding, and a birthday. And then all of the sudden a whiskey showed up in my hand.  Open the Photo Booth! Here’s your blog post. We’re a beautiful family. ______________ Wait, don’t go! Find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

  • Humor

    “My side” of the family.

    I ran into my cousin, Bob, at a bar last night. I was with Scott’s family. We were two drinks into dinner when Bob walked in. Scott was high on medication from the hospital. Me: Oh shit. Scott: OH SHIT. THERE HE IS! Scott clapped. Scott’s family nervous laughed. Bob: YOU NEED TO WRITE ABOUT ME AND OUR FAMILY MORE! We got an aunt showing her titties, we got a grandma shitting her pants… Me: Goddammit. Emily: Is this your real cousin? Me: Yes, our dads are brothers. It’s funny you say I need to write about you more, Bob. Because I have. I’ve written about our family. And you…

  • Humor

    The Trojan horse shot my Achilles heel.

    Hi. Welcome to 2017. I’m in bed, introverting. If you look up “introvert” in a dictionary, you will learn that an “introvert” is a noun – a person. Sometimes it’s an adjective – such as, Julie is introverted. “Introvert” is also a verb. Julie needed to go home after chaperoning the school field trip because she needed to introvert. It’s my blog and I can write new grammar rules if I want. Extroverts gain energy by being around other people. Introverts gain energy by being alone. That’s it. That’s the difference. This doesn’t mean that an extrovert is friendlier than an introvert. Or extroverts are the only ones that stand up for themselves. Rosa Parks was totally an…

  • Humor

    Thanksgiving steals my birthday thunder.

    Jimi Hendrix. Caroline Kennedy. Bruce Lee. …. Fine. And Jaleel White – also known as Steve Urkel. You know what they all have in common? November 27th. They all share a birthday with me. I know we can’t control our birthdays but is it really necessary to have sex on Valentine’s Day? Is it really necessary? I say no. There’s no need for that. It’s a Hallmark holiday. Wooing consists of a mass produced “I love you” card and a dozen overpriced flowers. Do not cave for this, ladies. Not in February. Have your way with men in, oh I don’t know – July. Show ’em some real fireworks. But if you…

  • Humor

    3 Things.

    Two things on my mind. 1. Christmas music/decorations – I am one of those people that start listening to Christmas music as soon as Halloween is over. I was searching frantically through the stations in the car on November 1st. I didn’t hear one Christmas song. I call my mom in a panic. She didn’t hear any either. My sisters said there was nothing on in Tulsa or St. Louis. I get on the internet and find out that one of the stations will start the day after Thanksgiving. Damnit! The Scrooges won! My husband is one of those people, a Scrooge. He probably called in and yelled about skipping…