• Humor

    One more Christmas post.

    There are many things in life we don’t get to choose. How tall we are. Our eye color. Your ugly ass feet. Who your parents are. Who your aunts and uncles are. Your grandparents. Your cousins. Your second cousins. Your siblings. And the people they chose to marry. Certain traditions, such as the tradition of spending the holidays with the family. Whether you chose to honor that tradition, well, that is your choice. I chose to spend the holidays with my family because my family is funny as hell and this is why I am the way I am. Overheard at the family Christmas Eve party: ____________ You just showed…

  • NaBloPoMo,  Womanhood

    My date with Amy Schumer.

    ** Warning: This post is rated R. I’m not a G-rated writer by any means but Scott’s grandma reads this and I felt I should post a warning. It’s Amy Schumer, come on. ** I am not a lesbian. Amy Schumer is not a lesbian either. But that’s not going to stop me from calling Amy Schumer my date because my go-to male date was crushing on a male deer from a treestand. Amy did everything right. She told me to put away my cell phone. She never picked up hers. She talked. I listened. She had the wit and delivery to send my ab muscles into spasms. I left…

  • Humor,  Hunting

    The mask.

    Boo! Gorilla. Just kidding. I’m not writing about the gorilla shot and killed by zoo personal because a child climbed into the gorilla’s space while the parents weren’t looking. I not here to tell you who’s to blame for the sad story. I don’t like sad stories. But I do like a good cry – a laugh cry. Thank you, Candace Payne. I know some of you may be thinking the opposite. Shame. No, no shame. It’s all love. It’s all love. If you’ve never seen the Chewbacca lady then click here. If you’ve never seen Star Wars then welcome to my village because who is Chewbacca? I’m don’t have an infectious laugh.…

  • Humor

    Phone dump.

    Do you ever go to Vegas and get the sensation you’re being watched? Well, you are being watched. The eye in the sky. Everyone knows that. I don’t know what “the cloud” is but I get the sensation there’s someone up there watching, storing, and laughing behind a room of computer screens. I got a new phone this week. The cloud saved my pictures because the cloud must know all. I pulled those pictures and saved them in the form of a blog post. My contact numbers are still floating around. I haven’t pulled those down yet. So if you get a text from me asking, “who are you?” please don’t make a joke and say “I’m superman.”…

  • Parenting

    Are you kitten me right meow.

    Kindness. Honesty. Good manners. The ability to make an entire restaurant explode into laughter by walking through the crowd like you didn’t do a thing. These are qualities I want my daughters to carry on to adulthood. Me: Oh no. Kate, you can’t bring that blanket in Cheesecake Factory. Kate: But I’ll be so cold! Please? Me: No. This is a nice place. No blankets. Come on. Kate: Hold on, let me get my paws on. Me: What?! Fine. Whatever. Blanket in Cheesecake Factory. Great. Sending this to your dad in South Florida, drinking a cocktail.   Text message to Scott: Kate: I need to go to the bathroom. I go by myself.…

  • Humor

    Did you put a bench in my trunk?

    If you prank me, I’m going to get you back. My revenge will fail miserably and end up in a blog post. There’s a kid around here wearing plaid and singing E-I-E-I-O on the old-new bench his parent brought home.   Me: Scott, did you put a bench in my trunk? Scott: A bench? That sounds familiar. Maybe. Me: Well, it would have been yesterday. It was within the last day. Scott: What do you mean a bench? Me: A bench. A child’s bench. Kinda rustic, Old MacDonald E-I-E-I-O looking. Scott: What? Me: Well, being the good samaritan I am, I took some of your old shirts to Goodwill tonight. When I opened my trunk, a bench was…

  • Humor

    This is how I write.

    I want to grab your attention with this sentence. Then I start my post. As I write, I figure out what the point of the post is. It’s just rambling if there isn’t one. Sometimes I ramble. I hit enter on my keyboard a lot. Spaces in between sentences are easier to read. No one wants to read one long, boring paragraph. It’s hard for me to re-read. I assume it’s hard for you to read too because we’re all the same person. Long paragraphs are fine if they are written well – I’m not slamming other writers. I don’t think I write that well. I’m just good at spacing. See? This…

  • Humor

    Throwback Thursday.

    Today marks Snow Day 3 for the week. I do love a good snow day. I’m a HUGE fan of sleeping in. Sledding and shoveling leaves us exhausted. The stillness of winter is its own lullaby at the end of the day. But the sweet memories of summer are always around if you take a quiet morning to look – ew, like 11 am morning not dawn. Those Cardinals know I’m a Kansas City Royals fan. We take the high road and have a mutual respect for our teams. So what was I talking about again? Oh yes, Throwback Thursday. I’m taking you back to 2009. It was a warm spring…

  • Humor

    And you wonder why I am the way I am.

    “In my 88 years on earth, I have never seen someone so blessed by a family like ours. I have never seen a family so loved by each other. I am so lucky to have each and every one of you.” — Grandma, Christmas 2013. Don’t let Grandma fool you. Oh, she knows. Everyone has a “crazy aunt” they have to put up with on Christmas. I have a “crazy family.” I’m not kidding you – this is how they act all the time with or without alcohol. I feel I must apologize in advance for their raunchy and inappropriate use of words in front of the kids. It’s not…

  • Hunting

    Best. Homework. Ever.

    Oh, I’m pumped. Emma brought home the class “pet,” Bailey. Bailey will be living with us for a week. We need to take pictures and write a journal entry on Bailey’s adventures. The class will learn next week that Emma’s mom is the master at sending taxidermy animals on adventures. My mind is already racing with ideas. Ready…set…RUFF! To be continued…   The Rack. Oh, Scott is going to strangle me when he reads this. He doesn’t always read my blog so maybe this will squeak by. Well, you see … it all started with this: Scott failed to tell me he picked up one of his deer at the…