• NaBloPoMo

    And that’s how I met the mother of the bride.

    Today is the day when two become one. Today, there will be a marriage between a man and a woman. It’s a blending of two families. The groom’s family hails from middle America. The bride’s family is Russian. The groom’s family wakes up to fireball shots on Thanksgiving/wedding weekend. The bride’s family are non-drinkers. The groom is Scott’s cousin. I will be sitting on the groom’s side today. The mother of the bride will be sitting on the bride’s side. She will be sitting as far as she can from me. Cousin Julie. The rehearsal dinner was going well until the mother of the bride walked up to me with a…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Wieners take a lot of practice.

    “You’re getting piss all over the place!” Good afternoon. Have you ever tried to control a penis while it’s peeing? “I’m not stopping the stream. You better get some control.” You need to ever so lightly press down on the penis so it makes the straight – straight-ish – stream into the toilet. “Jesus, what are you doing?! You can’t reach in between my legs and grab it from underneath! That’s my sack!” It takes practice. “A grip?! What do you mean a grip?” It takes precision. Ask any boy in potty-training. “Your hands are ice cold. Don’t hit the crutches or I might fall.” A penis doesn’t need toilet…

  • NaBloPoMo

    We’re all mad here.

    Scott doesn’t have a Facebook account. I mean he has an account on Facebook but he never looks at it. He doesn’t even have the app anymore. He receives family and friends gossip from me. If you want to interact with Scott on social media  – follow him on Instagram. He only posts hunting pictures, for the most part. Why did Scott stop looking at Facebook? He says he got bored with it. People complained too much. I think he stopped using Facebook because the wives were killing my vibe. “Mike’s cool girlfriend hunts with him all the time. Look at all these turkeys she’s killed.” “Jim’s wife is super…

  • NaBloPoMo,  Writing

    The co-worker.

    I work with my husband, Scott. I don’t work with him professionally but I work under the same roof as him. We work “out-of-the-home.” It sounds nice on paper. You can make your own hours. You can be flexible with the kids’ activities. You don’t need to spend a lot of money on work attire. There’s no commute. It’s deceiving – working from home. It’s strange working with your spouse. We spend a tremendous amount of time together. Scott and I are essentially co-workers during the day. The kids are at school and we focus on our careers side-by-side. We each have our own office. I have a couch, blankets, and…

  • Uncategorized

    Powerball.

    You had a 1 in 292,200,000 chance of winning the 759 million dollar Powerball jackpot on August 23, 2017. You’re more likely to get attacked by a shark or get struck by lightening. A Massachusetts woman beat the odds. She also landed into the 100% odds of the government taking its share, leaving her with $480 million. Why are we talking about this? Because every so often, a jackpot will get so big that you start dreaming. You buy a lotto ticket. You start throwing out promises of giving away money to Instagram followers if you win because you need their good karma. Because if you want to see Scott…

  • Humor

    Biodegradable marriage.

    Today’s blog post is brought to you by the sun, sunscreen, bleach cream, and Scott and I were married on July 17, 2004 by a pastor in front of one hundred witnesses. When people say they don’t want to get married because it’s a piece of paper – they’re right. Marriage is a piece of paper. It’s a piece of paper that can be easily misplaced when a newlywed couple moves from Manhattan, Kansas to Charleston, South Carolina. Misplaced meaning it probably got thrown in the trash. Thirteen years later, it most likely doesn’t exist because paper is biodegradable, much like a marriage. Hold on. That last sentence came out wrong.…

  • Humor

    Shiplap lover.

    What makes something funny? I don’t have an answer for you and I consider myself a humor writer. I can tell you humor is an art. There are different styles of humor – parody, satire, slapstick, irony, sarcasm, puns, spoofs, dark humor, the unexpected. Any stand-up comedian will tell you timing plays a role in humor. My parents will tell you humor is genetic. But recognizing when you’re a dumbass and telling the world takes a certain skill. I once told Scott that people only think I’m funny because I’m good at making fun of myself. It’s called the dumbass humor. I was in the bathtub when I realized – holy shit,…

  • A to Z Challenge,  Hunting

    The letter S.

    I have to hand it to the man. I’ve been writing on this blog for eight years. The majority of those blog posts are starring Scott, my husband. Scott doesn’t care what I write about on my blog. Or doesn’t know. Scott doesn’t read my blog because “I live the blog.” He’s right. He hears “blog posts” from me every day. But that doesn’t stop me from putting him in the center of some classic posts – The Jockstrap, Men Get Epidurals Too, and The Rack. I think he’s the funnier one of the two of us. He’s the easier one to talk to and he has a quicker wit when put on the…

  • A to Z Challenge,  Humor

    The letter J.

    Oh, the pervs of the Internet. Search engines play a role in driving traffic to your blog or website. Businesses know this and will invest in what’s called SEO – search engine optimization. Imagine how many companies show up after googling, “car rental companies.” If you owned a car rental company wouldn’t you want to be the first on Google’s list? You’re going to have to pay for that. I don’t pay for crap. I don’t know my long-term plan with this blog. I give you free entertainment and you listen. But I would write to myself, really. Believe me, if any of this started to feel like “work” then I’d…

  • A to Z Challenge,  Humor

    The letter B.

    Me: I’m going to give you a letter and you tell me the first word that comes to mind. It needs to start with the letter. Scott: Ok. Me: The letter B. Scott: Bitch. Me: The first word you think of when I say the letter B is bitch? Scott: Guess so. Me: Give me another word – B. Scott: Bubble. Me: Bubble? Like gum? Scott: I was thinking like a bunch of bubbles. Me: Soap bubbles? Scott: I guess. Me: I wonder what a psychologist would say about your answers. Bitch and bubble. I thought about the letter B today. The first word that popped in my head was Burton –…