• NaBloPoMo

    The 12 Days of Thanksgiving.

    On the first day of Thanksgiving my true love gave to me a very dry Russian wedding. On the second day of Thanksgiving my true love gave to me two rehearsal dinner invites, and a very dry Russian wedding. On the third day of Thanksgiving my true love gave to me three peeping boys, two rehearsal dinner invites, and a very dry Russian wedding. On the fourth day of Thanksgiving my true love gave to me four fireball shots, three peeping boys, two rehearsal dinner invites, and a very dry Russian wedding. On the fifth day of Thanksgiving my true love gave to me FIVE GOLDEN FLASKS! Four fireball shots,…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Thanksgiving steals my birthday thunder.

    Jimi Hendrix. Caroline Kennedy. Bruce Lee. …. Fine. And Jaleel White – also known as Steve Urkel. You know what they all have in common? November 27th. They all share a birthday with me. I know we can’t control our birthdays but is it really necessary to have sex on Valentine’s Day? Is it really necessary? I say no. There’s no need for that. It’s a Hallmark holiday. Wooing consists of a mass produced “I love you” card and a dozen overpriced flowers. Do not cave for this, ladies. Not in February. Have your way with men in, oh I don’t know – July. Show ’em some real fireworks. But if you are a romantic…

  • NaBloPoMo

    I started drinking then I remembered I have a blog post to write.

    Greetings. I hosted dinner for 20 people at my house last night. I’m hosting 30 people tonight. I’m hosting a rehearsal dinner on Saturday. There’s a wedding on Sunday. And my birthday is on Monday. Thanksgiving, a wedding, and a birthday. And then all of the sudden a whiskey showed up in my hand.  Open the Photo Booth! Here’s your blog post. We’re a beautiful family. ______________ Wait, don’t go! Find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

  • NaBloPoMo,  Oh Emma Oh Kate

    And that’s how Emma and Kate skipped school today.

    Day 21 of consecutive writing. Are you sick of me yet? Oh. I am. Do you know who’s not sick of me? My damn kids. They want to be in the middle of the Thanksgiving action. They asked if they could skip school on Monday. I said no and shoved them out of the car door. They asked if they could skip school today. I said no. Kate called my dad. I don’t know her conversation with him but I can tell you my dad wasn’t being a dad. He was being Funny Papa. He was filling Kate’s head with ideas on how to skip school. “Start coughing a bunch around…

  • NaBloPoMo

    A Thanksgiving planner.

    Day 16. 16 consecutive days of writing. It’s not over yet. Day 23 is Thanksgiving in the United States. Day 23 requires planning. Day 23 brings out the foodies, the NFL fans, the Pilgrim lovers, the shoppers, and any person that hates their job and wants a long weekend off. Day 23 sends the masses to a place on the internet known as Pinterest. I am a fan of Pinterest. I use it a lot for dinner ideas. I use it for school parties. I use it to plan a rehearsal dinner I’m hosting the Saturday after Thanksgiving (Day 25, that’s another post). I’m also quick to call bullshit on…

  • NaBloPoMo

    To Emma.

    To Emma, You are me. Ok, you’re not me me. You’re the daughter I always pictured when I was a kid. I could see you in my mind. I could see you every time I looked in the mirror at 10-years-old, 15-years-old, and 20-years-old. You had dark hair and dark eyes. You had my face. You didn’t exist, of course. Then you were born. I’ve watched you grow from a baby to a toddler to a preschooler to a 10-year-old. You’re a miniature version of myself. And here I am, at 34 years old, sitting with my 10-year-old self at Thanksgiving. You’re not a clone obviously, that’s genetically impossible. You’re better than a clone.…

  • NaBloPoMo

    To Kate.

    To Kate, You were born on May 7, 2009. Your dad remembers your birthday as 5-7-9. This day is one of only six dates in this century that has three consecutive odd numbers. A rare and odd birthday. It’s fitting. You were rare and odd when I first met you. You were born with sparkles in your hair. Yes, I did have drugs when I gave birth to you but hear me out – when the sun hits your hair just right, a single strand has a million colors. Against all Mexican genetic domination odds, you have your daddy’s blonde hair. It’s darkened as you’ve gotten older. Most people probably wouldn’t call you…

  • Humor

    Thanksgiving.

    I wanted to hear what my family was thankful for before Thanksgiving. By the time Thanksgiving dinner is served later today, I probably won’t hear their answers. Kate doesn’t like attention on her during family gatherings so she won’t talk. Scott is well on his way to being a six pack deep with his brother and cousins. And Emma will run off with her cousins after one bite. Here is, word-for-word, our conversation as I sat in bed with my laptop: Scott, what are you thankful for? Two awesome girls. Two? And my loving wife. That’s corny. I have a good job. Can you be funnier? You just want me…

  • Humor

    Thanksgiving steals my birthday thunder.

    Jimi Hendrix. Caroline Kennedy. Bruce Lee. …. Fine. And Jaleel White – also known as Steve Urkel. You know what they all have in common? November 27th. They all share a birthday with me. I know we can’t control our birthdays but is it really necessary to have sex on Valentine’s Day? Is it really necessary? I say no. There’s no need for that. It’s a Hallmark holiday. Wooing consists of a mass produced “I love you” card and a dozen overpriced flowers. Do not cave for this, ladies. Not in February. Have your way with men in, oh I don’t know – July. Show ’em some real fireworks. But if you…

  • Humor

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    Scott, Emma, Kate and I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I am very thankful for a loving husband, healthy kids, a warm home, my parents, my in-laws, my siblings, my brother and sister-in-law (even though they do cheer for FSU and Texas), my sweet niece, my still-in-the-womb niece, Kansas State University, my abundance of friends, all my readers who read this silly blog…. Oh, and my kid doing a dead-on impression of Clark Griswold looking at the 25,000 imported Italian twinkle lights.