• Humor

    “My side” of the family.

    I ran into my cousin, Bob, at a bar last night. I was with Scott’s family. We were two drinks into dinner when Bob walked in. Scott was high on medication from the hospital. Me: Oh shit. Scott: OH SHIT. THERE HE IS! Scott clapped. Scott’s family nervous laughed. Bob: YOU NEED TO WRITE ABOUT ME AND OUR FAMILY MORE! We got an aunt showing her titties, we got a grandma shitting her pants… Me: Goddammit. Emily: Is this your real cousin? Me: Yes, our dads are brothers. It’s funny you say I need to write about you more, Bob. Because I have. I’ve written about our family. And you…

  • NaBloPoMo

    The after-fire commentary by Emma and Kate.

    Day 11. Over a third of the way done. If you’re just now joining me, I am writing every day for the month of November. It’s called NaBloPoMo – National Blog Posting Month. I am a part of a writing group that calls it Nano Poplano because peppers sound better. All you need to know is that I’m posting every day. I don’t plan the posts. I sit down when I figure out what I’m going to write about and I write. Two days ago, I wrote about a 9-1-1 call I made. My toaster caught on fire. [If only the firefighters didn’t call me gluten free] It’s the most popular…

  • NaBloPoMo

    We’re all mad here.

    Scott doesn’t have a Facebook account. I mean he has an account on Facebook but he never looks at it. He doesn’t even have the app anymore. He receives family and friends gossip from me. If you want to interact with Scott on social media  – follow him on Instagram. He only posts hunting pictures, for the most part. Why did Scott stop looking at Facebook? He says he got bored with it. People complained too much. I think he stopped using Facebook because the wives were killing my vibe. “Mike’s cool girlfriend hunts with him all the time. Look at all these turkeys she’s killed.” “Jim’s wife is super…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Snitches get stitches.

      “I don’t want to hear it unless someone is dying.” “Stop tattling on your sister.” “But did you die?” No one likes a gossip. Parents don’t like tattletales. Even the Supreme Court doesn’t like hearsay. And no one likes snitches. Because snitches get stitches. The beauty of becoming an adult is you’re an adult. Anything you say or do is none of your parents’ concern anymore. Get arrested? Oh well. Didn’t pay your taxes? That’s your problem. Halloween candy for breakfast? Sure, go ahead. Scott and I are living with a snitch. Her name is Kate. She’s eight. When something doesn’t go her way – she tells our parents. __________ Kate: Mom,…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Not the birthday post.

    I should save this for my birthday post. November 27th, thanks for asking. But I don’t know what to write about so happy early birthday to me. I’m 36 this year. I’m still 35 as I type this. Things I learned in 36 – still 35 – years: I hate gum now. Chewing gum tastes like chewing on a mint piece of rubber. It doesn’t matter how old you are – girls are still cliquey. I’m pretty sure hangovers can kill. No, not the alcohol. The hangover itself might just kill you. Wearing a fake penis makes you want to grab yourself. I get it, guys. I get it. It’s just…

  • NaBloPoMo,  Writing

    The co-worker.

    I work with my husband, Scott. I don’t work with him professionally but I work under the same roof as him. We work “out-of-the-home.” It sounds nice on paper. You can make your own hours. You can be flexible with the kids’ activities. You don’t need to spend a lot of money on work attire. There’s no commute. It’s deceiving – working from home. It’s strange working with your spouse. We spend a tremendous amount of time together. Scott and I are essentially co-workers during the day. The kids are at school and we focus on our careers side-by-side. We each have our own office. I have a couch, blankets, and…

  • NaBloPoMo

    November 1st.

    I started a fitness challenge at my gym last month. Think of the fitness challenge as a Bingo card. I had to black out the card during the month of October. Squares contained certain classes, certain instructors, certain locations, even certain workout times – hello, 5:30 a.m. wake up call. That’s not right, you guys. I finished the workout challenge on October 30th. I received a free tank top. I’m starting a writing challenge this month. There isn’t a tank top at the end unless you want to give me one. This is my second year doing Rarasaur’s Nano Poblano. I’m going to write a blog post for 30 days straight.…

  • A to Z Challenge,  Humor

    The letter B.

    Me: I’m going to give you a letter and you tell me the first word that comes to mind. It needs to start with the letter. Scott: Ok. Me: The letter B. Scott: Bitch. Me: The first word you think of when I say the letter B is bitch? Scott: Guess so. Me: Give me another word – B. Scott: Bubble. Me: Bubble? Like gum? Scott: I was thinking like a bunch of bubbles. Me: Soap bubbles? Scott: I guess. Me: I wonder what a psychologist would say about your answers. Bitch and bubble. I thought about the letter B today. The first word that popped in my head was Burton –…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Hello, November 30.

    Well, I didn’t write a novel. That’s ok. It wasn’t my intention. I wrote for 30 straight days. It’s something I’ve never done before. I don’t know why I agreed to the challenge. 30 consecutive days of writing, or anything really, takes a lot of discipline. This discipline happens to fall in November. November is not a care-free month like sexy July over there. Thank you, Pilgrims. I finished Nano Poblano. I finished the damn thing. Whether it made me a better writer, I don’t know. I didn’t go into 30 days with a plan. I didn’t use pre-written posts in the draft folder. I wrote every post on that day, at that moment. I learned it’s…

  • NaBloPoMo

    Tatted up.

    You were built inside a woman. Her body made your bones, your two sets of teeth, your organs and your skin. Wait, I think I heard somewhere that your skin is an organ. I should google that. My point is that parents tend to take ownership over you because you are extension of them. And they should take ownership over you, up to a certain age. Parents need to teach their young how to survive in this world. When you become a parent, you become a teacher. Sometimes parents have all the answers. Sometimes parents don’t. When there isn’t an answer, the answer is, “Because I said so.” It’s not necessarily a good explanation but…